Worthy. 🙏

Worthy. 🙏

This weekend I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming.

We joked that all future Spider-Man movies will be named after cliche high school dances.

Spiderman: Sadie Hawkins.

Spider-Man: Spring Fling.

Spider-Man: Prom.

Fine I’ll stop now.

I’m still rooting for Tobey Maguire but he was sooooo 2002.

For some reason, I had a quick thought. I believe it was caused by the dreams I had been having…

I was raped in one. My teeth were falling out in the other.

Insecurity 101. 

“Am I ready for this relationship with him? Am I worthy of being treated so well? Am I good enough? Will I fuck this up?”

A wave of insecurity and negativity hit me in the face for absolutely no reason regarding my new man-friend.

He’s been nothing but wonderful to me! Why was I thinking this way?

Because I’m human. Because of what I have gone through in previous relationships.

As much insecurity as I’ve struggled with, it would be absurd to never feel it again.

Those things do stay with us. They do not simply disappear. It is NORMAL.

We have to acknowledge the insecurities. Talk about them. Receive the reassurance and love we are worthy of…

That’s right. I said we are WORTHY.

I am worthy to get a foot rub after a long day. (Which he loves to give foot rubs so I’m lucky on that end!)

I am worthy to have someone to just sit with me and talk about our days with no distractions including video games, reddit, facebook, instagram, etc.

I am worthy to have a man who really wants to be involved with my life and actually treat me right. AND he helps do the dishes!
​​​​​​​
I AM WORTHY, BITCHES!


We will always experience self-doubt because it is human nature. We always think the good, the bad and the ugly. Focusing on the bad and the ugly because we do not realize we are worthy of the good.

It is easy to allow these overwhelming thoughts to take over but we must be strong. Train ourselves mentally to overcome these toxic thoughts.

My advice to you is to believe what you are worthy of and LET YOURSELF HAVE IT.

Do not allow yourself to be caught up in the negative “what-ifs” of self-doubt. Let them pass through then MOVE ON!

Take control of yourself, your thoughts and your actions. Be conscious. Be present. Be alive.

As Diana Prince stated in Wonder Woman… “It is not about deserve. It is about what we believe.”

No one necessarily deserves anything. Be yourself. Be happy and content being on your own and with who you are. Understand you cannot control other people and you must have your own strength.

If you do not establish your own true self-confidence, you will never relinquish your full power!

Establish independence and self-confidence. Then establish trust in others and confidence in others for no one can provide what you can provide yourself.

If what I have now with him doesn’t last, then at least I have finally experienced someone who is kind, gentle and caring towards me.

At least I am having this opportunity to experience what I am worthy of and I will never lower that standard again.

Which if you ask me, is a huge step forward for me to even allow myself this or allow someone to get close to me.

I like where life is taking me… How my heart and soul and mind are growing…

It is breathtakingly wonderful.


Now if I can get the rest of my life together…. 😂😂😂😂

Who am I kidding?  I’ll probably always be a mess!

One day at a time.

xoxo,
Stila

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a decision.

It may be taking a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, how we deal with abuse, even what to wear for the day or what to eat for lunch; we must be responsible for our actions and we must do what we can for ourselves.

It may be a completely conscious decision with all of the options weighed out. Pros, cons, how it will affect you and those around you.

It may be a subconscious decision you make to simply make it through the next 24 hours.

For my friend that over dosed, his decision was to resort back to his addiction. That was what he was living for at that time. That got him through. Unfortunately, it killed him.

If you’ve ever made a bad decision, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

My decision was to have an affair. 

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all. TRUST ME.

During that time in my life, I was distanced from my family, I was dealing with an abusive relationship with the one person that was supposed to love me and protect me, and trying to keep up with college classes determined to graduate.

I was vulnerable, alone and scared. Basically, I was a fucked up mess.

I remember the exact day it started…. When I received that friend request. That first message. Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend. Drinking cocktails talking about how Mierda and I got into a fight because he wanted to go play video games and I wanted to stay with friends at a graduation party.

I was again left upset and vulnerable. Once again not protected.

I guess he couldn’t protect me from himself.

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I remember how that day would not only change my life but change how I lived my life and how it helped me survive such a dark time period and alter my relationships with those around me.

How long do you let someone treat you like an insignificant human being? 

How many excuses do you make until you break yourself?

I broke myself. He broke me.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question.

Well, back then, he was my future. He was my only option. He was my escape.

I told myself … “It’s only the stress from Georgia Tech. Once he graduates, he will be good to me. We will live happily ever after! He doesn’t mean to treat me like that. He really does love me!” 

That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I was an idiot.

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Especially since he was the one I needed to escape from. 

Some of my friends knew about this ordeal. Even my stepsister. Not once did anyone tell me to leave.

Weekly margarita and Mexican food best friend dates were led by conversation of my affair and encouragement to continue it.

When I moved to Atlanta, it was like I was playing “house” with Mierda. Like you see those Stepford wives where the husband treats the wife like shit but she smiles and still does her duties.

The affair continued on and off. Mostly off, now that I think about it.

I was living two separate lives. There were two different versions of me.

Both trying to survive.

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With encouragement from even my stepsister and her help covering things up, I survived and used the affair and a way to make it though the next day.

Every time Mierda would scream in my face, I would cry and I would get positive attention elsewhere. Which was more often than not.

I am not proud of what I did and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. I am not encouraging anyone else to do what I did.

I wish I had the tools then to stand up for myself. I wish I had been strong enough then to put myself first instead of relying on the idea that Mierda would ever change and actually love me and treat me right.

Unfortunately, I did not.  😭

No matter how “perfect” I could have been, it was never enough for Mierda to really love me and treat me right.

I look back now and think where would I be if Mierda hadn’t found out about my affair?

Would we be engaged? Married? Kids? Yuck!

I am so glad he found out.

I am thankful now that my stepsister betrayed me, causing me to lose half of my “family” and “friends”.

Just think, for years I put up with his abuse with hardly anyone knowing. Imagine if I had to be married and have kids with him?! No, thank you.

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In retrospect, I was saved from a lifetime of misery.

If I didn’t have that affair, I’m not sure I’d be here. I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with how Mierda treated me.

Mierda finding out about my affair was messy. He dragged me figuratively through the mud with everyone, only to admit his own infidelity in the end.

As fucked up as it was, it has caused so many doors to open in my life and in my growth on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Therapy has helped me navigate all of this and realize how lucky I am to be free of that mental cage and how to be strong and confident.

I was told no one would put up with me. I was told I was crazy. I was told no one would love me like he does. I didn’t think anyone would really want me after how shitty he made feel after my affair.

I was scared because he made me feel like I could never have anyone else.

Well, guess what? I have someone now.

And this someone knows about what I did. Even the dirtiest details.

Although it was unorthodox, it is literally how I survived.

I am not ashamed of it. I was fucked up. I was broken. I made my decisions.

And you know what else? It doesn’t matter now.

I will never, ever again make the decision to cheat.

I will never, ever allow someone to treat me how I let Mierda treat me all those years.

That girl is gone. She does not define who I am now. She never will.

Anyone who gets in the way of my happiness is in for a rude awakening.

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Make peace with your past decisions so you can move on to bigger and better and more positive events.

Surround yourself with people who ACTUALLY deserve your love and trust and friendship.

Do good. Be good. Take care of yourself and those you care about.

Do NOT let them treat you badly. No matter what they tell you, you do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

You have a right to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and be happy.

No one is perfect… But who really wants to be anyway?! 😜😜😜

With love,
Stila  ❤️

 

“They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange
But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything
And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage
But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything” ❤️

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?


I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?


When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.



So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.


I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤