Cheater, Cheater. 😲

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a decision.

It may be taking a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, how we deal with abuse, even what to wear for the day or what to eat for lunch; we must be responsible for our actions and we must do what we can for ourselves.

It may be a completely conscious decision with all of the options weighed out. Pros, cons, how it will affect you and those around you.

It may be a subconscious decision you make to simply make it through the next 24 hours.

For my friend that over dosed, his decision was to resort back to his addiction. That was what he was living for at that time. That got him through. Unfortunately, it killed him.

If you’ve ever made a bad decision, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

My decision was to have an affair. 

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all. TRUST ME.

During that time in my life, I was distanced from my family, I was dealing with an abusive relationship with the one person that was supposed to love me and protect me, and trying to keep up with college classes determined to graduate.

I was vulnerable, alone and scared. Basically, I was a fucked up mess.

I remember the exact day it started…. When I received that friend request. That first message. Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend. Drinking cocktails talking about how Mierda and I got into a fight because he wanted to go play video games and I wanted to stay with friends at a graduation party.

I was again left upset and vulnerable. Once again not protected.

I guess he couldn’t protect me from himself.

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I remember how that day would not only change my life but change how I lived my life and how it helped me survive such a dark time period and alter my relationships with those around me.

How long do you let someone treat you like an insignificant human being? 

How many excuses do you make until you break yourself?

I broke myself. He broke me.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question.

Well, back then, he was my future. He was my only option. He was my escape.

I told myself … “It’s only the stress from Georgia Tech. Once he graduates, he will be good to me. We will live happily ever after! He doesn’t mean to treat me like that. He really does love me!” 

That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I was an idiot.

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Especially since he was the one I needed to escape from. 

Some of my friends knew about this ordeal. Even my stepsister. Not once did anyone tell me to leave.

Weekly margarita and Mexican food best friend dates were led by conversation of my affair and encouragement to continue it.

When I moved to Atlanta, it was like I was playing “house” with Mierda. Like you see those Stepford wives where the husband treats the wife like shit but she smiles and still does her duties.

The affair continued on and off. Mostly off, now that I think about it.

I was living two separate lives. There were two different versions of me.

Both trying to survive.

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With encouragement from even my stepsister and her help covering things up, I survived and used the affair and a way to make it though the next day.

Every time Mierda would scream in my face, I would cry and I would get positive attention elsewhere. Which was more often than not.

I am not proud of what I did and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. I am not encouraging anyone else to do what I did.

I wish I had the tools then to stand up for myself. I wish I had been strong enough then to put myself first instead of relying on the idea that Mierda would ever change and actually love me and treat me right.

Unfortunately, I did not.  😭

No matter how “perfect” I could have been, it was never enough for Mierda to really love me and treat me right.

I look back now and think where would I be if Mierda hadn’t found out about my affair?

Would we be engaged? Married? Kids? Yuck!

I am so glad he found out.

I am thankful now that my stepsister betrayed me, causing me to lose half of my “family” and “friends”.

Just think, for years I put up with his abuse with hardly anyone knowing. Imagine if I had to be married and have kids with him?! No, thank you.

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In retrospect, I was saved from a lifetime of misery.

If I didn’t have that affair, I’m not sure I’d be here. I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with how Mierda treated me.

Mierda finding out about my affair was messy. He dragged me figuratively through the mud with everyone, only to admit his own infidelity in the end.

As fucked up as it was, it has caused so many doors to open in my life and in my growth on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Therapy has helped me navigate all of this and realize how lucky I am to be free of that mental cage and how to be strong and confident.

I was told no one would put up with me. I was told I was crazy. I was told no one would love me like he does. I didn’t think anyone would really want me after how shitty he made feel after my affair.

I was scared because he made me feel like I could never have anyone else.

Well, guess what? I have someone now.

And this someone knows about what I did. Even the dirtiest details.

Although it was unorthodox, it is literally how I survived.

I am not ashamed of it. I was fucked up. I was broken. I made my decisions.

And you know what else? It doesn’t matter now.

I will never, ever again make the decision to cheat.

I will never, ever allow someone to treat me how I let Mierda treat me all those years.

That girl is gone. She does not define who I am now. She never will.

Anyone who gets in the way of my happiness is in for a rude awakening.

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Make peace with your past decisions so you can move on to bigger and better and more positive events.

Surround yourself with people who ACTUALLY deserve your love and trust and friendship.

Do good. Be good. Take care of yourself and those you care about.

Do NOT let them treat you badly. No matter what they tell you, you do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

You have a right to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and be happy.

No one is perfect… But who really wants to be anyway?! 😜😜😜

With love,
Stila  ❤️

 

“They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange
But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything
And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage
But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything” ❤️

Wild Exploration 🍆

Wild Exploration 🍆

In a world overpopulated with fuckboys and fuckgirls, how do you find an agreeable companion?

I’m definitely not a pro at this relationship stuff. I mean, look how the last one ended.. He basically ran away screaming and left everything in flames. 😆😆😆

Unfortunately, this means that loving someone just simply is not enough.

You’re thinking “but Stila, I thought that love conquers all?”

WRONG!
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What conquers all is having love for yourself.

Yup. You.

No matter how hard you try to fight it.. No matter how much you want to be happy with someone else, no matter how much you love them… You will never be happy unless you are happy with yourself. 

Date yourself. Get to know yourself. Love yourself. Don’t be afraid to be alone.

I was scared to be alone. Believe it or not.

When I started to dabble around in the dating scene, I was on Tinder, Bumble, Match.com, you name it. This, my friends, is the land of fuckboys. (And fuckgirls, I am sure!)

I was going on up to five dates a week. Just hanging out and meeting people. Anything to not be home alone. 

I’d go out with one guy then meet another one after that for another drink or a movie. Crazy, right? I was SO afraid of being by myself!

When a guy would say “Tell me about you”… I would literally have no clue what to say. 😱

What are my hobbies? What do I care about? What is important to me? What are my goals? How do I spend my time? Who are my favorite people? What is my life story? Will they care about me? How do I encompass myself into a few short words, easy enough for a fuck boy to understand?

Haha, the last one was a joke. Fuckboys don’t care about that stuff. Silly, Stila!

More importantly, why am I setting myself up with these fuckboys? What did I want in a relationship? What were some things I expected? What was I not going to negotiate on? What was important to me in a partner? Did I even want a relationship?!

I made a list about me. I slowed down and took time to learn about Stila. To think with no distractions and to really get to know myself.

I made another list, most importantly, about things I would NOT compromise in my relationships. Things I never had before yet imagined that would be important to me. I listed things that might be negotiable… And things that are not that important to me.

This ranged from how said partner would treat me and treat others (family and even strangers), their current relationships with friends and family, past relationships, stability in their life, career and goals, even their looks (hehe).

You know, for breeding purposes. 😈

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Most importantly, their passion and dedication to whatever they are into or doing in life. Whether it be work, hobbies, dreams for the future, or relationships. I want to see they are alive, present and that they care.

Meeting someone isn’t difficult. Tinder, for example, is full of available men or women in your chosen mile range. It is like being on a wild exploration of a forbidden safari, except with fuckboys. So much to see. So much to choose from.

The only problem is most of them just want to grab your butt without even learning your middle name. Come on, boys. I thought y’all were smart! 👀

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One time, a guy thought it was okay to try to put his hands DOWN MY SHIRT after he so politely walked me to my car in the parking garage. I’m like, you bought me a $6.00 glass of wine and you think this is what you get? NO SIR.

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He proceeded to send me nudes and sexual innuendos. I’d post a picture of me with my cat and he’d send me a message saying “I wish I was your cat so I could be on top of you.” 😶 I eventually responded and said Are you not capable of having a normal conversation?” He is intelligent, as he is a GT Engineer, but unfortunately, the intelligence comes straight from his dick. 😆😆😆

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Another one met me one time and he instantly became psycho. First of all, he could not spell. He had a iPhone. Does he not even have auto-correct? When he came over (which I will never do again when first meeting someone), he played video games with me and my roommate. He did bring ice cream and wine, which was super nice and we did not ask him to do that. After the fact, he began to basically tell me I cannot talk to anyone else if I am talking to him…

We. Met. Once.

I had to drop him like a hot plate!

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Not to mention the multiple 👻 GHOSTS 👻 I have encountered. May they rest in peace! They talk to you, then disappear. I’ve done my share of ghosting too so I cannot say much, but I’m getting better at it, promise!

Anyone can buy you dinner or buy you a drink, but it’s when they actually TALK to you, respect you, want to get to know you, make effort and plan dates and outings, is when it is important. I think there is something missing in boys these days. Respect. Manners.

A brain other than the one in his penis.

I want to be courted, dammit! 

There are a few questions I like to have answered by a guy once he passes the “Ok He Is Not a 100% Fuckboy, He is Only So Far a 85% Fuckboy” stage. It is important to not only listen to what he says and actually hear him but also pay attention to his actions and patterns.

I dive into these, usually fitting them into conversation:

1. How did you meet your best friend?

2. What holidays/events/traditions are special to you?

3. Where do you want to be in five years?

4. Do you like to be active/go to the gym/be healthy?

5. How open minded do you consider yourself regarding politics, religion and unpopular issues?

6. What are you looking for and what are your intentions? 

A person who has healthy relationships, has the same outlook and values as you, wants to take care of himself, has a plan and goals that align with yours (marriage, travel, health, family, children, or whatever it may be), is on the same vibe as you, and is willing to be open minded and accept that he is not the only one on this planet with beliefs and values…

Now THAT is a man I would be after … *swoons* … 😍😍😍

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And he opens doors and plans dates and texts me first and tells me how pretty I am and doesn’t care that I am crazy!

Do you exist, man? Please come find me at 123 Internet Street! 💒 💒 💒

Even the most perfect man will do things to get your nerves. He will leave the toilet seat up, leave his socks everywhere, leave dishes in the sink… but you have to ask yourself “Am I okay with these things?” Because honestly, they aren’t that big of a deal.

I promise.

On this wild exploration, I suggest the focus be changed from trying to fill the void with a man that is not worthy to not be lonely … to filling it yourself so when a man comes along that is worthy, you are already whole. 

Once you find out who you are and what you want in a companion, you don’t have to have a lot of trouble hunting through the fuckboys (or fuckgirls) because you already are a step ahead! You already KNOW!  ✌🏼 ✌🏼 ✌🏼

Make your own plans with friends and family. Do things for yourself, even if you are alone. Go get a manicure. Go on a walk. Go have a cocktail at a fancy bar. Hit the gym. Bake or cook something new. Grow a new plant. Read a book. Go on a short road trip.

Be busy on your own time, not on a fuckboy’s time. Plan your life around you. Have your own life and your own self-worth.

Be confident. Be self-reliant. Be a bad-ass.

Don’t give up on love. Don’t give up on yourself.

You deserve love. You deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

No matter what you’ve done or what you’ve been through. It does not define you.

You define you. You decide your current actions and who you are. 

Now, go kick some ass and be good to yourself.

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High-five!

xoxo,
​​​​​​​Stila

P.S. Season Five of House of Cards came out yesterday. I guess we know what I’ll be doing! I try to watch this while I’m on the treadmill on Netflix on my phone. It helps the cardio go by faster (You can download Netflix shows to your phone now so it doesn’t use up your data!)

What I’m listening to:

“I’m Here to Take the Sky” – Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows (D.R.U.G.S.)

“She said, “I’m so sorry
You’re going through all of this
You’re gonna be fine, there’s plenty of time”
She said with the flick of her wrist
She said, “Don’t you worry everyone gets pissed
At the end of the line, falling behind
Fear is so hard to resist”
But there’s no telling what tomorrow brings
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
I won’t take it back, I’d still want more, I’d still want more
She said, “It’s time to wake up
You’re acting like such a fool”
If you’re gonna go on you gotta be strong
Life can be so cruel
And now the time has moved on
I haven’t seen her face in years
But the things that she said are stuck in my head
Now I’m walking through fire and fear
But there’s no telling what tomorrow brings
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
If won’t take it back, I’d still want more
I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry
I’m gonna live my life and my dreams
I’m gonna make my rules, my own scenes
I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry
I’m gonna live my life, take chances
Full of hope and new romances
Sorry, sorry, I’m not sorry
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
I won’t take it back, I’d still want more, I’d still want more

If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it

If I make it back, I’d still want more
I’d still want more, I’d still want more”
Recharge. 🔋

Recharge. 🔋

Hey, you, slow down. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Take the scenic route.

Think. Feel. Embrace.

Do you remember cameras that needed actual batteries? AA or AAA.

If they died, you were fucked.

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Then they made “rechargeable” AA and AAA batteries. You had a buy an adaptor that plugged into the wall and put the batteries in the adaptor to charge. Those didn’t last. Or did they? I have no idea.

Now cameras and phones have chargers you connect to them or the battery. We even have solar rechargeable cameras. Wireless charging. Portable chargers.

Cameras are important. Of course, I have one on me at all times on my cell phone as do most people in today’s society. (I’m an Android girl!)

We use them to capture the most valuable moments in our lives. Engraving them into our history and capturing as much as we can in our portable memory pockets.. So that we may relive them, not forget irreplaceable moments in our short time in existence.

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One of my favorite things to do is scroll back through my camera roll, Instagram or saved Snapchats.

Whether it be years ago, when I was my thinnest yet unhappiest in my relationship, or one year ago, when I was single and learning to find myself through therapy and self-love/self-growth.

I see pictures and videos saved from times that caused me to laugh until I cried, times that actually made me sad, ugly cry and ones from priceless gatherings with friends and family….

Like that night that my friend *jokingly* slapped my other friend in the face to “wake him up” so we could go out in the city (makes me laugh, to this day!); that day that we spent all day on the patio sipping mimosas without a care in the world; that time when my family and I all wore matching halloween t-shirts (it was adorable); when my friend spilled wine on my leg and he didn’t want to waste it, so he licked it up; when my co-worker and friend gave me dating advice … “Let him suffer!”; and one of my favorites… When my best friend and I raved about how thankful we are for WATERPROOF STILA<3

And… even pictures and videos with my ex. Yup. Mierda.

Let’s face it, over four years of being involved with someone, you accumulate a lot of photos! While I have not deleted all evidence yet, the feelings I get when I see those photos certainly remind me how far I have come, how much I have grown and even how I miss him. (Hey, it was FOUR YEARS!) I cannot replace that feeling… And I am not ashamed of it. It will always be a part of me, no matter what. Always.

I digress. (Sorry, not sorry).

Those moments I listed above, and countless more, are ones I do not want to forget. For the rest of my life, I will look back and see them and relive those funny, happy, or even sad memories. We do tend to forget the little happy moments of life, don’t we?

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We tend to remember only the bad or negative things. I find that sad. What if we changed the narrative and reinforced the good? Find that good. 

Cherish it always.

Now, imagine if your camera battery (or phone) had DIED. No charger. UGH!!! I can hear your frustration through the internet. Your modern day diary is unavailable and you can no longer record your memories. (or check Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Youtube, Instagram….etc)..

Okay, okay. Enough torture.

My point is, as important as it is in today’s society to keep our devices charged, so we don’t miss the opportunity to capture a moment, reply to a message, call a loved one, keep up with the latest news…

It is EQUALLY if not MORE IMPORTANT to keep yourself mentally charged.

As easy as it is to just phase through life like a zombie, taking care of mundane tasks, making cruise control choices, working, sleeping, eating, talking, scrolling on social media… Waking up months from now with no recollection of where you came from, how you got there, or what happened along the way..

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YOU MUST RECHARGE YOURSELF.

I had a conversation tonight about how in life, happiness does not just simply exist. Each individual (that is capable), is in charge of their happiness. It must be fought for.

Envision it. Say it. CREAT IT. Make it a reality. Do not cruise control through life.

If you do not take care of yourself, show yourself self-love, learn self-growth, positivity, FORGIVE those who have wronged you, let go of bad situations and toxic people and toxic environments, or take steps towards bettering yourself or your emotional/mental well being… then…

I’m afraid your battery WILL BE DEAD.

You will phase through life unaware, unattached, unhappy and unavailable. Yikes.

Take time for you. Spoil yourself. Embrace the moment. Feel the emotions. Cry. Feel and redirect the negativity that is latent in all of us as humans towards positivity and goodness.

Now, don’t ignore the negativity and bad feelings.. Instead of running from things, solve them and embrace them. Work for what you love and what you want. Be in sync with your emotions. FEEL THEM.

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It is worth, I promise.

Do not let fear, anger, sadness, or guilt halt your self-growth or make you think you do not deserve happiness and love.

Read up on self-love, self-help, self-growth.. Listen to audiobooks.. Watch youtube videos.. Just google it. You have resources!  Starting with me.

Call out that person that hurt you and forgive them, try something you didn’t think you’d be able to do, take that bubble bath, get to the gym or be active, take care of your body, create the best version of you, meditate, write a letter to someone (yes, snail mail!), call your friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, go for a walk outside, make amends to something that is troubling you, start that new hobby you’ve been wanting to try, binge watch that Netflix series, eat that ice cream, create real, honest and lasting relationships, and most importantly….

Allow yourself to LOVE and to be LOVED.

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Make time for yourself. You deserve it. Recharge. Be selfish. Find clarity.

I cannot say it ENOUGH!

RECHARGE.

Be good to yourself. I’m here.

xoxo,
Stila

Oh…

Here’s a GIF of this guy. I’m obsessed. #TheFlash

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And as for tunes…

Paramore – After Laughter (Basically the whole album). You’re welcome.

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