Disappear. 👻

Disappear. 👻

If you’re anything like me, you look at the date on the calendar and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

I mean, has it been six months since Tip died? 😭

Has it been 10 years since my Uncle Robert died? 😭😭

Am I really in my LATE TWENTIES?! 😭😭😭

time

Quite a few *good* things have happened since we’ve spoken last.

My new career has been coming along nicely. I have been consistent in the gym and dropped a few pounds. *Still not a morning person!!!*

I have a little way to go… But consistency is what I struggle with the most… So I’m counting it as a positive.

I. Spoke. To. My. Father.

gasp

Yeah, my biological father whose sperm entered my mother’s egg and created me. 

I’ve been on a few dates… Nothing good yet. I’ll keep you posted on those experiences.

I saw Mierda, hopefully, for the last time. “What?! WHY would you see him?!

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I can hear you now. Calm down! 🙅

I’m human and it was nostalgic. Sue me! But like I said, hopefully the last time!

I feel bad for the girl he’s seeing. She must not know how he talks about her… Or how he wanted me to stay the night and wouldn’t let me leave that night … hmm… How much he “does love me and want me“…

She’s just an emotional comfort” he said… “We aren’t serious. She doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t love her and I never will. She knows that.

But that’s none of my business…

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He assured me they are not in a relationship so I was not a party in cheating…

We all know I learned my lesson from that in Cheater, Cheater… But Mierda is a fuckboy now… So who knows if what he says is true. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

One of my old half-priced friends has moved in with him and was in the next room. If only they knew!

My best wishes to them all. Cheers! 🥂🥂🥂

Honestly, the main reason I saw him was to test myself… To test how much I’ve grown and learned. While, yes, it did hurt me in some way… It fades everyday, more and more.

He fades.

So, it is true… things do get better.

I’ll let Wynona say it for me…

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Enough about Mierda…. Now about me. And my point today.

As you can see based on the dates of these entries, I’ve been absent. 

I have been experiencing so many good things, but I am not here to make excuses for myself.

I am here to tell you that it is okay to disappear every now and then, if it is healthy and beneficial to you.

Not like Will Byers disappearing in the woods AKA the upside down disappearing.. But like, you don’t obligate yourself to everyone else all the time disappearing. Ya feel me?

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Modern life is all about the hustle and bustle. Friends always keep tabs, family knows your every move, boyfriends/girlfriends track their significant others. Everything posted to social media, the internet, shared and copied and shared again.

I had a friend send me a screenshot of my snapchat location the other day because he was near me! It is terrifying yet incredible how technology connects all of us.

Continuous buzzing cell phones, dinging notifications from Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, SnapChat, Tinder, Bumble, Reddit, Tumblr….

You’re constantly connected to everyone else.

When was the last time you connected to yourself?

help

Take the time to experience yourself. Hang out with yourself. Explore your wants, desires, needs, goals, wishes, strengths, weaknesses. Write them down. Say them out loud.

The best thing about this is you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Your emotional well being, exploration and growth is your business and only the business of those whom you decide to share it with. *Unless it deals with negative, self-harm. The others who care hopefully will intervene.*

If someone does not respect that otherwise… They don’t really care about you, do they? Maybe they need to get to know themselves, too?! Sometimes they don’t know that they don’t care… They think they do!

I’m not saying to ghost all of your loved ones… I am just suggesting you show yourself the same love and attention that you share with others. You deserve yourself too!

And once you get closer to yourself, you don’t need all the half-priced friendships floating around, trying to hook onto you because they are not strong enough on their own.

You are not their prize. You are not their play toy. You are not expendable.

To quote Halsey roughly, they cannot butter you up and taste you when they get bored.

Speaking of Halsey, I saw her in concert recently. I was in tears. Her music, lyrics and story speaks to me and relates to me regarding my own experiences with abusive relationships. I have even used her music in a previous entry: Purple Isn’t For You.

You are important. You deserve to know and recognize your self worth.  This does not mean you are self-centered or only care about yourself… You realize your self worth and know what you will and will not tolerate.

Pay attention… This is important: what is okay to someone else does not mean that has to be okay with you.

You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve your own identity.

So, use that Lush bath bomb you’ve been wanting, dim the lights, fire up those candles, sip on some wine and take that bath you’ve been so badly craving. Put on a face mask too. Go all out. 

bathhh

DATE YOURSELF, GIRL.

Or guy…. Guys can like Lush bath bombs too!!!

Then, you will recognize other humans that are also on your level… and you can connect, have healthy, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships and friendships.

It kind of rocks. 

Be good to yourself. Good things are coming.

xoxo,
Stila

🎵🎵🎵
“Diamond Heart” — Lady GaGa

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a decision.

It may be taking a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, how we deal with abuse, even what to wear for the day or what to eat for lunch; we must be responsible for our actions and we must do what we can for ourselves.

It may be a completely conscious decision with all of the options weighed out. Pros, cons, how it will affect you and those around you.

It may be a subconscious decision you make to simply make it through the next 24 hours.

For my friend that over dosed, his decision was to resort back to his addiction. That was what he was living for at that time. That got him through. Unfortunately, it killed him.

If you’ve ever made a bad decision, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

My decision was to have an affair. 

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all. TRUST ME.

During that time in my life, I was distanced from my family, I was dealing with an abusive relationship with the one person that was supposed to love me and protect me, and trying to keep up with college classes determined to graduate.

I was vulnerable, alone and scared. Basically, I was a fucked up mess.

I remember the exact day it started…. When I received that friend request. That first message. Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend. Drinking cocktails talking about how Mierda and I got into a fight because he wanted to go play video games and I wanted to stay with friends at a graduation party.

I was again left upset and vulnerable. Once again not protected.

I guess he couldn’t protect me from himself.

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I remember how that day would not only change my life but change how I lived my life and how it helped me survive such a dark time period and alter my relationships with those around me.

How long do you let someone treat you like an insignificant human being? 

How many excuses do you make until you break yourself?

I broke myself. He broke me.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question.

Well, back then, he was my future. He was my only option. He was my escape.

I told myself … “It’s only the stress from Georgia Tech. Once he graduates, he will be good to me. We will live happily ever after! He doesn’t mean to treat me like that. He really does love me!” 

That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I was an idiot.

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Especially since he was the one I needed to escape from. 

Some of my friends knew about this ordeal. Even my stepsister. Not once did anyone tell me to leave.

Weekly margarita and Mexican food best friend dates were led by conversation of my affair and encouragement to continue it.

When I moved to Atlanta, it was like I was playing “house” with Mierda. Like you see those Stepford wives where the husband treats the wife like shit but she smiles and still does her duties.

The affair continued on and off. Mostly off, now that I think about it.

I was living two separate lives. There were two different versions of me.

Both trying to survive.

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With encouragement from even my stepsister and her help covering things up, I survived and used the affair and a way to make it though the next day.

Every time Mierda would scream in my face, I would cry and I would get positive attention elsewhere. Which was more often than not.

I am not proud of what I did and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. I am not encouraging anyone else to do what I did.

I wish I had the tools then to stand up for myself. I wish I had been strong enough then to put myself first instead of relying on the idea that Mierda would ever change and actually love me and treat me right.

Unfortunately, I did not.  😭

No matter how “perfect” I could have been, it was never enough for Mierda to really love me and treat me right.

I look back now and think where would I be if Mierda hadn’t found out about my affair?

Would we be engaged? Married? Kids? Yuck!

I am so glad he found out.

I am thankful now that my stepsister betrayed me, causing me to lose half of my “family” and “friends”.

Just think, for years I put up with his abuse with hardly anyone knowing. Imagine if I had to be married and have kids with him?! No, thank you.

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In retrospect, I was saved from a lifetime of misery.

If I didn’t have that affair, I’m not sure I’d be here. I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with how Mierda treated me.

Mierda finding out about my affair was messy. He dragged me figuratively through the mud with everyone, only to admit his own infidelity in the end.

As fucked up as it was, it has caused so many doors to open in my life and in my growth on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Therapy has helped me navigate all of this and realize how lucky I am to be free of that mental cage and how to be strong and confident.

I was told no one would put up with me. I was told I was crazy. I was told no one would love me like he does. I didn’t think anyone would really want me after how shitty he made feel after my affair.

I was scared because he made me feel like I could never have anyone else.

Well, guess what? I have someone now.

And this someone knows about what I did. Even the dirtiest details.

Although it was unorthodox, it is literally how I survived.

I am not ashamed of it. I was fucked up. I was broken. I made my decisions.

And you know what else? It doesn’t matter now.

I will never, ever again make the decision to cheat.

I will never, ever allow someone to treat me how I let Mierda treat me all those years.

That girl is gone. She does not define who I am now. She never will.

Anyone who gets in the way of my happiness is in for a rude awakening.

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Make peace with your past decisions so you can move on to bigger and better and more positive events.

Surround yourself with people who ACTUALLY deserve your love and trust and friendship.

Do good. Be good. Take care of yourself and those you care about.

Do NOT let them treat you badly. No matter what they tell you, you do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

You have a right to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and be happy.

No one is perfect… But who really wants to be anyway?! 😜😜😜

With love,
Stila  ❤️

 

“They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange
But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything
And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage
But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything” ❤️

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?


I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?


When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.



So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.


I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤

Half-Price Love. 💲💲💲

Half-Price Love. 💲💲💲

Every store you go into, you’re going to find a discount section.


Items with up coming expiration dates, broken or damaged items, last seasons clothes, and misfit items forgotten by the world.

I browse these sections and occasionally find something worth taking home. My current decorative bowl on my dining table is from TJ Maxx and had a small chip on the corner of it that is hardly noticeable.

I never expect to get a perfect product when I buy it from that discounted section of the store. I knew the bowl was chipped. I bought it anyway. Score! 🙋 🙋 🙋

When throwing money at things, we want to get what we pay for. Why would someone pay full price for a set of wine glasses missing a glass? Or a wall coat rack that is missing a hook? Unless they already are okay with what they are getting, of course.

That red sticker indicating it is a sale price is a good way to know you get what you pay for and it is already reduced in price and may be damaged.

In the real world, humans do not come with red stickers indicating they are broken or damaged.

We are clueless as to what we are getting up front.

We extend ourselves to others, as a friend, family member or lover and expect a full return of what we equally give them.

That’s not how it works.

We drain ourselves into our relationships and spend all of our hearts only to be unknowingly paying full price and receiving only half price love.

Relationships are not easy in any capacity or in any type. Family, friends, lovers, etc.

They blow you off for other people or other plans, they only come to you when they need something, they dismiss you as less important, they do not listen to you or take your feelings into consideration, they act like they support you to your face but then change their narrative once they are not around you.


Friends who supported me, then turned on me without a word despite me trying to reach out to them. Family that disappeared and seemingly want nothing to do with me and do not have the balls to talk to me despite my trying to reach out to them.

Those who slowly drifted away and would make plans, never show up, and I’ve gotten the excuse “When you meet the one you want to marry, you’ll understand.” (Mind you, he/she cheated on her/him several times and now they are broken up and with other people!). So, I guess he/she was just a shitty friend. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️


I’ve had people that supported my decisions in something, then lied to others saying they never supported me and advised me against it, then made fools of themselves by their own texts that prove they actually did support me in the first place. They back stabbed everyone, talked constant shit about everyone, started drama among their friends and I thought I could trust them? Well, family or not, they tricked me. I also lost one of my favorite people because of this. I miss being his friend.

Or if you tell someone you love them only for them to tell you they are annoyed by you and to stop telling them you love them.  Be nice, do things for them, only to receive anger and indifference. Half price love. 😢


People are cowards to the point they cannot even return a text or phone call. They shy away from conflict when they are confronted by you or they react in anger or confusion or they will not even hear your perspective.

I learned the hard way, over and over again, that giving your all doesn’t always mean you will get anything back. These fake friends do not deserve you!!!

Paying full price for half price love only leaves you on empty.
I’ve since learned a few things to look out for to detect a possible half price human...

1. What they have to say about their current friends and family. Are they positive? Or do they only complain about them/talk negatively with no real merit? 

2. How do they handle tough situations? Examples: Wrong order at a restaurant, someone cuts them off in traffic, work stress, disagreements with opposing opinions). Are they understanding or do they think everyone besides them is stupid?

3. Communication: how do they handle you telling them something that bothers you? Do they tell you if you do something that bothers them? Are they willing to listen and work with you to solve the issue?

4. Are they focused on the problem or do they focus on a solution? You need someone willing to make things better in your life, not constantly bring you down. 

5. Do their actions match up with their words? Are they realistic? If someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them. Don’t be so forgiving that you allow them to mistreat you.

6. How do they handle criticism and how do they handle compliments? Responding with anger or always boasting is not a good sign.

These are all great questions ask yourself when dealing with someone and you aren’t quite sure if they will be a good person to be in your life or not.

Do not have expectations from someone who has not shown you who they are as a person.

People do not know what you expect or what you want so it is good to get that out in the open in the beginning of any friendship/relationship.

Remember, they owe you nothing! You owe them nothing. It is a difficult mindset to keep but it is important to remember this. I also learned this the hard way.

Remember: self-reliance.

Through therapy and my own self-growth in the past year, I have learned to use these questions and be more aware of how others are acting towards me, talking to me and their consistency with me.

It is not just about me being a good friend. They also have to be a good friend in return.

My current friendships and relationships are filled with people who I have the highest respect for… They are honest, real, trustworthy, always there when I need them. They show up. They keep their word.

I also do my best to be reliable and good to them.

We tell each other if we bother each other or hurt each other’s feelings. And we do better. I cornered my now ex co-worker (still great friend though!) in the work break room one time because she was acting shady. She hugged me and we chatted. You do things like that for people you care about; you don’t just let it go unattended.

Another friend went through a very hard time. She kept her distance but I made sure to check in with her reminding her I was there. Now she is feeling better and came back around and talking more like she used to. It is all about understanding and love.

One friend, I can call and tell her she’s being crazy and she will say “thank you” and calm down. Friends that ask how I’m doing and actually give a damn. I have close friends that live across the county and we still pick up like we haven’t missed a beat when we talk. Mutual love, respect and care.


As far as relationships and dating, I try to be as up front and honest as possible. I guess I’ll learn as I go along and do my best since I haven’t had a real, healthy relationship yet. I am excited to use what I have learned and hope to find someone that is willing to put up with me! I’m told I can be a bit “much”… 😅 😇

Trust is not something that has to give it all at once to someone. It is okay to give them a little at a time and build up to the full amount. They have to earn it. I used to struggle with this and sometimes have to catch myself giving too much. If that trust is ever broken, and you want to keep that person in your life, trust can be rebuilt by watching their words and actions. Keep in mind, you have to want it. You only know what your emotional maturity can handle.

When someone disappoints me or does me wrong, that is their problem. As someone who meant a lot to me once told me “People come and they leave. Not all of them are meant to stay.” It shows their character. Not mine. It hurts but I do not let it put out my fire or dull my energy. 🔥 🔥 🔥  I hold no grudges against those who have done me wrong and I also will not waste my energy worrying about them. Good vibes and positive energy. ✌️

We may not control the universe or other people but we control how we react to it all. We are humans. We make mistakes.. and when we do something wrong, we have ownership over ourselves and how we handle it, no one else can define us.


And once we have total ownership and security in ourselves, no one, and I mean no one can disrupt that or interrupt our flow.

You deserve full price love. You deserve friends who will be real with you. You deserve people who will love you and treat you with kindness and respect. You deserve a man or woman who truly wants you and is willing to stand up and do whatever it takes for you.

Do not settle for less.

Ever. 💃 💃 💃

I’m here.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤

 

🎵🎵🎵🎵

“I Don’t Care” – Fall Out Boy

“Say my name, and his in the same breath,
I dare you to say they taste the same,
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow in flames

Erase myself and let go,
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don’t love you
They just love the hotel suites, now!”

Wild Exploration 🍆

Wild Exploration 🍆

In a world overpopulated with fuckboys and fuckgirls, how do you find an agreeable companion?

I’m definitely not a pro at this relationship stuff. I mean, look how the last one ended.. He basically ran away screaming and left everything in flames. 😆😆😆

Unfortunately, this means that loving someone just simply is not enough.

You’re thinking “but Stila, I thought that love conquers all?”

WRONG!
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What conquers all is having love for yourself.

Yup. You.

No matter how hard you try to fight it.. No matter how much you want to be happy with someone else, no matter how much you love them… You will never be happy unless you are happy with yourself. 

Date yourself. Get to know yourself. Love yourself. Don’t be afraid to be alone.

I was scared to be alone. Believe it or not.

When I started to dabble around in the dating scene, I was on Tinder, Bumble, Match.com, you name it. This, my friends, is the land of fuckboys. (And fuckgirls, I am sure!)

I was going on up to five dates a week. Just hanging out and meeting people. Anything to not be home alone. 

I’d go out with one guy then meet another one after that for another drink or a movie. Crazy, right? I was SO afraid of being by myself!

When a guy would say “Tell me about you”… I would literally have no clue what to say. 😱

What are my hobbies? What do I care about? What is important to me? What are my goals? How do I spend my time? Who are my favorite people? What is my life story? Will they care about me? How do I encompass myself into a few short words, easy enough for a fuck boy to understand?

Haha, the last one was a joke. Fuckboys don’t care about that stuff. Silly, Stila!

More importantly, why am I setting myself up with these fuckboys? What did I want in a relationship? What were some things I expected? What was I not going to negotiate on? What was important to me in a partner? Did I even want a relationship?!

I made a list about me. I slowed down and took time to learn about Stila. To think with no distractions and to really get to know myself.

I made another list, most importantly, about things I would NOT compromise in my relationships. Things I never had before yet imagined that would be important to me. I listed things that might be negotiable… And things that are not that important to me.

This ranged from how said partner would treat me and treat others (family and even strangers), their current relationships with friends and family, past relationships, stability in their life, career and goals, even their looks (hehe).

You know, for breeding purposes. 😈

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Most importantly, their passion and dedication to whatever they are into or doing in life. Whether it be work, hobbies, dreams for the future, or relationships. I want to see they are alive, present and that they care.

Meeting someone isn’t difficult. Tinder, for example, is full of available men or women in your chosen mile range. It is like being on a wild exploration of a forbidden safari, except with fuckboys. So much to see. So much to choose from.

The only problem is most of them just want to grab your butt without even learning your middle name. Come on, boys. I thought y’all were smart! 👀

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One time, a guy thought it was okay to try to put his hands DOWN MY SHIRT after he so politely walked me to my car in the parking garage. I’m like, you bought me a $6.00 glass of wine and you think this is what you get? NO SIR.

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He proceeded to send me nudes and sexual innuendos. I’d post a picture of me with my cat and he’d send me a message saying “I wish I was your cat so I could be on top of you.” 😶 I eventually responded and said Are you not capable of having a normal conversation?” He is intelligent, as he is a GT Engineer, but unfortunately, the intelligence comes straight from his dick. 😆😆😆

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Another one met me one time and he instantly became psycho. First of all, he could not spell. He had a iPhone. Does he not even have auto-correct? When he came over (which I will never do again when first meeting someone), he played video games with me and my roommate. He did bring ice cream and wine, which was super nice and we did not ask him to do that. After the fact, he began to basically tell me I cannot talk to anyone else if I am talking to him…

We. Met. Once.

I had to drop him like a hot plate!

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Not to mention the multiple 👻 GHOSTS 👻 I have encountered. May they rest in peace! They talk to you, then disappear. I’ve done my share of ghosting too so I cannot say much, but I’m getting better at it, promise!

Anyone can buy you dinner or buy you a drink, but it’s when they actually TALK to you, respect you, want to get to know you, make effort and plan dates and outings, is when it is important. I think there is something missing in boys these days. Respect. Manners.

A brain other than the one in his penis.

I want to be courted, dammit! 

There are a few questions I like to have answered by a guy once he passes the “Ok He Is Not a 100% Fuckboy, He is Only So Far a 85% Fuckboy” stage. It is important to not only listen to what he says and actually hear him but also pay attention to his actions and patterns.

I dive into these, usually fitting them into conversation:

1. How did you meet your best friend?

2. What holidays/events/traditions are special to you?

3. Where do you want to be in five years?

4. Do you like to be active/go to the gym/be healthy?

5. How open minded do you consider yourself regarding politics, religion and unpopular issues?

6. What are you looking for and what are your intentions? 

A person who has healthy relationships, has the same outlook and values as you, wants to take care of himself, has a plan and goals that align with yours (marriage, travel, health, family, children, or whatever it may be), is on the same vibe as you, and is willing to be open minded and accept that he is not the only one on this planet with beliefs and values…

Now THAT is a man I would be after … *swoons* … 😍😍😍

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And he opens doors and plans dates and texts me first and tells me how pretty I am and doesn’t care that I am crazy!

Do you exist, man? Please come find me at 123 Internet Street! 💒 💒 💒

Even the most perfect man will do things to get your nerves. He will leave the toilet seat up, leave his socks everywhere, leave dishes in the sink… but you have to ask yourself “Am I okay with these things?” Because honestly, they aren’t that big of a deal.

I promise.

On this wild exploration, I suggest the focus be changed from trying to fill the void with a man that is not worthy to not be lonely … to filling it yourself so when a man comes along that is worthy, you are already whole. 

Once you find out who you are and what you want in a companion, you don’t have to have a lot of trouble hunting through the fuckboys (or fuckgirls) because you already are a step ahead! You already KNOW!  ✌🏼 ✌🏼 ✌🏼

Make your own plans with friends and family. Do things for yourself, even if you are alone. Go get a manicure. Go on a walk. Go have a cocktail at a fancy bar. Hit the gym. Bake or cook something new. Grow a new plant. Read a book. Go on a short road trip.

Be busy on your own time, not on a fuckboy’s time. Plan your life around you. Have your own life and your own self-worth.

Be confident. Be self-reliant. Be a bad-ass.

Don’t give up on love. Don’t give up on yourself.

You deserve love. You deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

No matter what you’ve done or what you’ve been through. It does not define you.

You define you. You decide your current actions and who you are. 

Now, go kick some ass and be good to yourself.

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High-five!

xoxo,
​​​​​​​Stila

P.S. Season Five of House of Cards came out yesterday. I guess we know what I’ll be doing! I try to watch this while I’m on the treadmill on Netflix on my phone. It helps the cardio go by faster (You can download Netflix shows to your phone now so it doesn’t use up your data!)

What I’m listening to:

“I’m Here to Take the Sky” – Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows (D.R.U.G.S.)

“She said, “I’m so sorry
You’re going through all of this
You’re gonna be fine, there’s plenty of time”
She said with the flick of her wrist
She said, “Don’t you worry everyone gets pissed
At the end of the line, falling behind
Fear is so hard to resist”
But there’s no telling what tomorrow brings
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
I won’t take it back, I’d still want more, I’d still want more
She said, “It’s time to wake up
You’re acting like such a fool”
If you’re gonna go on you gotta be strong
Life can be so cruel
And now the time has moved on
I haven’t seen her face in years
But the things that she said are stuck in my head
Now I’m walking through fire and fear
But there’s no telling what tomorrow brings
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
If won’t take it back, I’d still want more
I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry
I’m gonna live my life and my dreams
I’m gonna make my rules, my own scenes
I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry
I’m gonna live my life, take chances
Full of hope and new romances
Sorry, sorry, I’m not sorry
If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it
If I make it back, I’d still want more, more
If the sky is the limit then I’ll steal the air that’s in it
I won’t take it back, I’d still want more, I’d still want more

If the sky is the limit then I’ll build a bridge up to it

If I make it back, I’d still want more
I’d still want more, I’d still want more”
Recharge. 🔋

Recharge. 🔋

Hey, you, slow down. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Take the scenic route.

Think. Feel. Embrace.

Do you remember cameras that needed actual batteries? AA or AAA.

If they died, you were fucked.

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Then they made “rechargeable” AA and AAA batteries. You had a buy an adaptor that plugged into the wall and put the batteries in the adaptor to charge. Those didn’t last. Or did they? I have no idea.

Now cameras and phones have chargers you connect to them or the battery. We even have solar rechargeable cameras. Wireless charging. Portable chargers.

Cameras are important. Of course, I have one on me at all times on my cell phone as do most people in today’s society. (I’m an Android girl!)

We use them to capture the most valuable moments in our lives. Engraving them into our history and capturing as much as we can in our portable memory pockets.. So that we may relive them, not forget irreplaceable moments in our short time in existence.

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One of my favorite things to do is scroll back through my camera roll, Instagram or saved Snapchats.

Whether it be years ago, when I was my thinnest yet unhappiest in my relationship, or one year ago, when I was single and learning to find myself through therapy and self-love/self-growth.

I see pictures and videos saved from times that caused me to laugh until I cried, times that actually made me sad, ugly cry and ones from priceless gatherings with friends and family….

Like that night that my friend *jokingly* slapped my other friend in the face to “wake him up” so we could go out in the city (makes me laugh, to this day!); that day that we spent all day on the patio sipping mimosas without a care in the world; that time when my family and I all wore matching halloween t-shirts (it was adorable); when my friend spilled wine on my leg and he didn’t want to waste it, so he licked it up; when my co-worker and friend gave me dating advice … “Let him suffer!”; and one of my favorites… When my best friend and I raved about how thankful we are for WATERPROOF STILA<3

And… even pictures and videos with my ex. Yup. Mierda.

Let’s face it, over four years of being involved with someone, you accumulate a lot of photos! While I have not deleted all evidence yet, the feelings I get when I see those photos certainly remind me how far I have come, how much I have grown and even how I miss him. (Hey, it was FOUR YEARS!) I cannot replace that feeling… And I am not ashamed of it. It will always be a part of me, no matter what. Always.

I digress. (Sorry, not sorry).

Those moments I listed above, and countless more, are ones I do not want to forget. For the rest of my life, I will look back and see them and relive those funny, happy, or even sad memories. We do tend to forget the little happy moments of life, don’t we?

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We tend to remember only the bad or negative things. I find that sad. What if we changed the narrative and reinforced the good? Find that good. 

Cherish it always.

Now, imagine if your camera battery (or phone) had DIED. No charger. UGH!!! I can hear your frustration through the internet. Your modern day diary is unavailable and you can no longer record your memories. (or check Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Youtube, Instagram….etc)..

Okay, okay. Enough torture.

My point is, as important as it is in today’s society to keep our devices charged, so we don’t miss the opportunity to capture a moment, reply to a message, call a loved one, keep up with the latest news…

It is EQUALLY if not MORE IMPORTANT to keep yourself mentally charged.

As easy as it is to just phase through life like a zombie, taking care of mundane tasks, making cruise control choices, working, sleeping, eating, talking, scrolling on social media… Waking up months from now with no recollection of where you came from, how you got there, or what happened along the way..

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YOU MUST RECHARGE YOURSELF.

I had a conversation tonight about how in life, happiness does not just simply exist. Each individual (that is capable), is in charge of their happiness. It must be fought for.

Envision it. Say it. CREAT IT. Make it a reality. Do not cruise control through life.

If you do not take care of yourself, show yourself self-love, learn self-growth, positivity, FORGIVE those who have wronged you, let go of bad situations and toxic people and toxic environments, or take steps towards bettering yourself or your emotional/mental well being… then…

I’m afraid your battery WILL BE DEAD.

You will phase through life unaware, unattached, unhappy and unavailable. Yikes.

Take time for you. Spoil yourself. Embrace the moment. Feel the emotions. Cry. Feel and redirect the negativity that is latent in all of us as humans towards positivity and goodness.

Now, don’t ignore the negativity and bad feelings.. Instead of running from things, solve them and embrace them. Work for what you love and what you want. Be in sync with your emotions. FEEL THEM.

feels

It is worth, I promise.

Do not let fear, anger, sadness, or guilt halt your self-growth or make you think you do not deserve happiness and love.

Read up on self-love, self-help, self-growth.. Listen to audiobooks.. Watch youtube videos.. Just google it. You have resources!  Starting with me.

Call out that person that hurt you and forgive them, try something you didn’t think you’d be able to do, take that bubble bath, get to the gym or be active, take care of your body, create the best version of you, meditate, write a letter to someone (yes, snail mail!), call your friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, go for a walk outside, make amends to something that is troubling you, start that new hobby you’ve been wanting to try, binge watch that Netflix series, eat that ice cream, create real, honest and lasting relationships, and most importantly….

Allow yourself to LOVE and to be LOVED.

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Make time for yourself. You deserve it. Recharge. Be selfish. Find clarity.

I cannot say it ENOUGH!

RECHARGE.

Be good to yourself. I’m here.

xoxo,
Stila

Oh…

Here’s a GIF of this guy. I’m obsessed. #TheFlash

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And as for tunes…

Paramore – After Laughter (Basically the whole album). You’re welcome.

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The Evolution of Fuckboys. 👨

The Evolution of Fuckboys. 👨

Unless you’ve been buried in a bunker for the past few years or living in the Fortress of Solitude, you more than likely know what a “fuckboy” is.

Urban Dictionary gives us many definitions of this term but one can only understand if they’ve suffered the effects of a fuckboy. (I’ll leave you free to search that yourself).

It is kind of like actually suffering through a tornado versus just watching one on the news.

You see, a fuckboy is unique to its chosen host. Like a virus. If he gets into your system… You’re basically screwed. Heart broken. Mascara wasted. Get to Ulta, ladies, and score you some waterproof mascara because you’re going to need it.

You basically have to just live out the course of the Fuckboy if he gains access.. No antibiotics can cure this disease.

*Disclaimer* Not all men are fuckboys. *End Disclaimer*

Stage One: Young Years (Birth to Puberty)
Baby is born male in a time period where technology will flourish, availability of women will be high, sexuality will be exploited and the struggle will be REAL.
His mommy and daddy tell him he is special and wonderful. He cannot fail at anything. He can have whatever he wants!

Stage Two: Middle Years (Puberty to 18ish)
Young male has blossomed and discovered his PENIS. Wow! *sarcasm*
One female looks at him and he is locked on her like a Navy submarine ready to pursue into enemy territory and lay down his attack. Whoops…. Then another female looks at him… Then he lays eyes on another female.. Which direction does he go? ALL OF THEM.
Mommy and daddy said he can have whatever he wants, remember?!

Stage Three: Full Fuckboy (18ish to Whenever he GROWS UP and BECOMES A REAL MAN)
At this point, whatever is said goes in one year, through his dick and out the other ear.
Full Grown Fuckboy will say whatever necessary to convince you to get into bed with him. He does not want any labels. He will tell you “you’re the only girl I’m talking to”. He has several social media accounts. Calls you “bae” and never your name. (Imagine if he accidentally called you Jane but your name is Jessica. Yikes.) They’ve evolved. No conscious. They are dangerous! Innocent ladies fall for this all the time.

Stage Four: Graduation
This last stage is left for Fuckboys who have “somewhat” become respectable men capable of an actually honest relationship. They have graduated from the Full Fuckboy stage! *yay* They either:
1) knocked a girl up and had to grow up quickly or
2) fell in love and became a man that she deserves or
3) he grew tired of his own bullshit or
4) he enters Eternal Loop of Fuckboy – Never to escape the grasps of Fuckboyism or
5) he died and no one will remember the dead as a Fuckboy — It just simply is not polite.

Dating in this modern day is worse than a Brazilian full body wax with a sunburn. Ghosting is prevalent. Dating online and apps *mainly* focuses on sex and being “casual”. Meeting men in person is difficult because most men are pussies and terrified to approach you. The ones who do approach you only want to take you home then call you an Uber after they get what they want. No thanks!

The grass is always greener on the other side for the Fuckboy.. and trust me, they have multiple lawns grass to play on. No one wants to actually get to know you, talk on the phone, or enter into anything serious. They want to play on your lawn but never water it or maintain it. They want those weird feeling fake always-green lawns used for sports fields.

 

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My Advice: Build a fence around your lawn and keep an eye out for pesky, feral Fuckboys roaming around. If not, you might get rabies, or worse…. FEELINGS.This modern dating world is harmful to relationships, understanding, compassion, communication. Too much anxiety on who should text first or who should add who on social media. Too many expectations on the first date.

How do we lost romantics survive this?

Well. Stay behind your fence. Do not allow Fuckboys to enter. I know the attention is nice. I know he says all the right things… BUT SNAP OUT OF IT, SISTER.

He is a Full Fuckboy!
Get. It. Together.

 

If he’s not holding your doors open, being a gentleman, concerned with your emotions and well being, being honest about his intentions, and consistent in his actions, words, promises, showing effort and making plans etc… Then he is a Fuckboy.You also need to make your intentions clear, lady! Don’t be a fuckgirl! Ouch..

YES THOSE DO EXIST.

Other symptoms of a Fuckboy:
Asks for nudes, sends you dick pics without any notice, has every social media outlet installed but will not add you on them, phone always is going off but hides it, asks you to “Netflix and Chill”, no ambition or strive to be better, does not want labels and does not introduce you to his friends, never genuinely asks about your day, has a lot of drama with ex’s and women, never plans and initiates actual dates (like candlelit romantic shit dates), texts you at 2AM saying “sup”, etc.

*FURTHER WARNING* 
Watch out for a Fuckboy disguised as a Graduated Fuckboy. These are an elevated species who have discovered women are smarter than a Full Fuckboy.. They try to feign the Graduated Fuckboy stage in order to deceive you. Beware!

Really. Be careful out there..

LOOK FOR: Consistency, effort, honesty, timeliness, ambition, healthy family and friendship relationships, empathy, he is a gentleman to even strangers, he is direct, has integrity, self-confident, and a positive attitude, self-sufficient in his bills and is stable, etc.

Graduate you a Fuckboy and hang him in your living room, above the fire place, like a trophy!

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​​You are a bad-ass. You are wonderful.

​You deserve to be treated right.

​xoxo,
Stila


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