Worthy. 🙏

Worthy. 🙏

This weekend I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming.

We joked that all future Spider-Man movies will be named after cliche high school dances.

Spiderman: Sadie Hawkins.

Spider-Man: Spring Fling.

Spider-Man: Prom.

Fine I’ll stop now.

I’m still rooting for Tobey Maguire but he was sooooo 2002.

For some reason, I had a quick thought. I believe it was caused by the dreams I had been having…

I was raped in one. My teeth were falling out in the other.

Insecurity 101. 

“Am I ready for this relationship with him? Am I worthy of being treated so well? Am I good enough? Will I fuck this up?”

A wave of insecurity and negativity hit me in the face for absolutely no reason regarding my new man-friend.

He’s been nothing but wonderful to me! Why was I thinking this way?

Because I’m human. Because of what I have gone through in previous relationships.

As much insecurity as I’ve struggled with, it would be absurd to never feel it again.

Those things do stay with us. They do not simply disappear. It is NORMAL.

We have to acknowledge the insecurities. Talk about them. Receive the reassurance and love we are worthy of…

That’s right. I said we are WORTHY.

I am worthy to get a foot rub after a long day. (Which he loves to give foot rubs so I’m lucky on that end!)

I am worthy to have someone to just sit with me and talk about our days with no distractions including video games, reddit, facebook, instagram, etc.

I am worthy to have a man who really wants to be involved with my life and actually treat me right. AND he helps do the dishes!
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I AM WORTHY, BITCHES!


We will always experience self-doubt because it is human nature. We always think the good, the bad and the ugly. Focusing on the bad and the ugly because we do not realize we are worthy of the good.

It is easy to allow these overwhelming thoughts to take over but we must be strong. Train ourselves mentally to overcome these toxic thoughts.

My advice to you is to believe what you are worthy of and LET YOURSELF HAVE IT.

Do not allow yourself to be caught up in the negative “what-ifs” of self-doubt. Let them pass through then MOVE ON!

Take control of yourself, your thoughts and your actions. Be conscious. Be present. Be alive.

As Diana Prince stated in Wonder Woman… “It is not about deserve. It is about what we believe.”

No one necessarily deserves anything. Be yourself. Be happy and content being on your own and with who you are. Understand you cannot control other people and you must have your own strength.

If you do not establish your own true self-confidence, you will never relinquish your full power!

Establish independence and self-confidence. Then establish trust in others and confidence in others for no one can provide what you can provide yourself.

If what I have now with him doesn’t last, then at least I have finally experienced someone who is kind, gentle and caring towards me.

At least I am having this opportunity to experience what I am worthy of and I will never lower that standard again.

Which if you ask me, is a huge step forward for me to even allow myself this or allow someone to get close to me.

I like where life is taking me… How my heart and soul and mind are growing…

It is breathtakingly wonderful.


Now if I can get the rest of my life together…. 😂😂😂😂

Who am I kidding?  I’ll probably always be a mess!

One day at a time.

xoxo,
Stila

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a decision.

It may be taking a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, how we deal with abuse, even what to wear for the day or what to eat for lunch; we must be responsible for our actions and we must do what we can for ourselves.

It may be a completely conscious decision with all of the options weighed out. Pros, cons, how it will affect you and those around you.

It may be a subconscious decision you make to simply make it through the next 24 hours.

For my friend that over dosed, his decision was to resort back to his addiction. That was what he was living for at that time. That got him through. Unfortunately, it killed him.

If you’ve ever made a bad decision, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

My decision was to have an affair. 

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all. TRUST ME.

During that time in my life, I was distanced from my family, I was dealing with an abusive relationship with the one person that was supposed to love me and protect me, and trying to keep up with college classes determined to graduate.

I was vulnerable, alone and scared. Basically, I was a fucked up mess.

I remember the exact day it started…. When I received that friend request. That first message. Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend. Drinking cocktails talking about how Mierda and I got into a fight because he wanted to go play video games and I wanted to stay with friends at a graduation party.

I was again left upset and vulnerable. Once again not protected.

I guess he couldn’t protect me from himself.

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I remember how that day would not only change my life but change how I lived my life and how it helped me survive such a dark time period and alter my relationships with those around me.

How long do you let someone treat you like an insignificant human being? 

How many excuses do you make until you break yourself?

I broke myself. He broke me.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question.

Well, back then, he was my future. He was my only option. He was my escape.

I told myself … “It’s only the stress from Georgia Tech. Once he graduates, he will be good to me. We will live happily ever after! He doesn’t mean to treat me like that. He really does love me!” 

That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I was an idiot.

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Especially since he was the one I needed to escape from. 

Some of my friends knew about this ordeal. Even my stepsister. Not once did anyone tell me to leave.

Weekly margarita and Mexican food best friend dates were led by conversation of my affair and encouragement to continue it.

When I moved to Atlanta, it was like I was playing “house” with Mierda. Like you see those Stepford wives where the husband treats the wife like shit but she smiles and still does her duties.

The affair continued on and off. Mostly off, now that I think about it.

I was living two separate lives. There were two different versions of me.

Both trying to survive.

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With encouragement from even my stepsister and her help covering things up, I survived and used the affair and a way to make it though the next day.

Every time Mierda would scream in my face, I would cry and I would get positive attention elsewhere. Which was more often than not.

I am not proud of what I did and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. I am not encouraging anyone else to do what I did.

I wish I had the tools then to stand up for myself. I wish I had been strong enough then to put myself first instead of relying on the idea that Mierda would ever change and actually love me and treat me right.

Unfortunately, I did not.  😭

No matter how “perfect” I could have been, it was never enough for Mierda to really love me and treat me right.

I look back now and think where would I be if Mierda hadn’t found out about my affair?

Would we be engaged? Married? Kids? Yuck!

I am so glad he found out.

I am thankful now that my stepsister betrayed me, causing me to lose half of my “family” and “friends”.

Just think, for years I put up with his abuse with hardly anyone knowing. Imagine if I had to be married and have kids with him?! No, thank you.

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In retrospect, I was saved from a lifetime of misery.

If I didn’t have that affair, I’m not sure I’d be here. I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with how Mierda treated me.

Mierda finding out about my affair was messy. He dragged me figuratively through the mud with everyone, only to admit his own infidelity in the end.

As fucked up as it was, it has caused so many doors to open in my life and in my growth on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Therapy has helped me navigate all of this and realize how lucky I am to be free of that mental cage and how to be strong and confident.

I was told no one would put up with me. I was told I was crazy. I was told no one would love me like he does. I didn’t think anyone would really want me after how shitty he made feel after my affair.

I was scared because he made me feel like I could never have anyone else.

Well, guess what? I have someone now.

And this someone knows about what I did. Even the dirtiest details.

Although it was unorthodox, it is literally how I survived.

I am not ashamed of it. I was fucked up. I was broken. I made my decisions.

And you know what else? It doesn’t matter now.

I will never, ever again make the decision to cheat.

I will never, ever allow someone to treat me how I let Mierda treat me all those years.

That girl is gone. She does not define who I am now. She never will.

Anyone who gets in the way of my happiness is in for a rude awakening.

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Make peace with your past decisions so you can move on to bigger and better and more positive events.

Surround yourself with people who ACTUALLY deserve your love and trust and friendship.

Do good. Be good. Take care of yourself and those you care about.

Do NOT let them treat you badly. No matter what they tell you, you do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

You have a right to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and be happy.

No one is perfect… But who really wants to be anyway?! 😜😜😜

With love,
Stila  ❤️

 

“They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange
But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything
And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage
But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything” ❤️

Sunshine Girl. ☀️

Sunshine Girl. ☀️

My whole life I’ve been nicknamed “Sunshine”.

My family, friends, strangers. They felt my instant positive vibes from my smile and emit almost like a pheromone from my skin.


I’ve always been capable of handling other people, even difficult ones, and always have been a person people come to for help and can count on. I feel their feelings. I cry their tears. I listen to their stories. I offer a positive insight.

Being an empath, I am able to imagine almost every situation from someone else’s point of view. Why they act how they act, why the make the decisions they make, why they say the things they say.

That person who cut you off in traffic and gave you the middle finger, maybe they are rushing to the emergency room where their loved one was just admitted. The couple arguing loudly in the store, maybe they just had a miscarriage. The employee who was rude while you were shopping, maybe their mother just died but they have to work to pay for the funeral.

You. Never. Know.

I always try to find reasons why others aren’t as pleasant as we’d like, I always smile and try to be nice to everyone. I try to do everything I can to help others.

I’ve been praised for how I am. I’ve been put down for how I am.

“You’re too nice…” “You care too much about strangers…” “Those things don’t matter…”


I’ve never allowed negative feedback to sway me or change my mindset.

One thing I had to learn the hard way is people simply will not care about you back.

They will not care about others the way you care.

They will not care about you how you care about them.

I’ve had to learn how to recognize people who want to focus on negativity, who lack empathy and who want to put me down instead of lift me up.

These people are toxic.

I used to make excuses and try to ignore the simple things. Like the road rage, the simple neglect for other people’s emotions or feelings, constant degrading comments about others.

Bumping into someone accidentally and the response being “Watch the fuck out, idiot!” or passive aggressively handling things instead of honestly saying how you feel and trying to fix it and keep going.

One time, I was riding passenger in a car and the driver was speeding. Someone was walking across the road and  I said “Watch out for the human!” and they, I’m NOT kidding, SPED UP faster and the person had to run across the rest of the way.

How hateful is that?

How can someone go through life constantly having negative, hateful thoughts about everyone around them? All they see is darkness. All I see is sunshine.

We are all human. Raised with different values from different cultures but we all bleed red.


Some people have conversations only focused around other people. Not about things, ideas, or things of substance. Simply focusing on people and how they are fuck ups or how they are stupid.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Let’s all listen to Eleanor. I think she knows what she was talking about!

They insult you on a personal level. Don’t take any responsibility. They gaslight you and try to make you feel like you’re the wrong one. They reverse the situation onto you. They pick you apart and compare you to their “superior” way of doing things.

I have my own thoughts sometimes. I’m not perfect. I make quick judgements just as everyone else does.

My point is, I don’t let it over take my mind. I don’t let it take over my conversations and my relationships. I try to not make personal insults when I’m upset. I understand emotions are temporary and life is better when focusing on and emphasizing positive emotions.

I try to respect others. I try to leave room for openness, understanding and kindness in my relationships. I don’t hold grudges. I try to listen and not be petty.

The biggest issue I’ve had to deal with in being empathetic is understanding that other people simply DO NOT CARE.

I would try to always explain my side of things and hope they would see things from my point of view as I would try to see things from their point of view.

Instead, I would be shot down. Told I was selfish. Told I didn’t understand. They never let me understand. They never told me how they felt; they simply insulted me on a personal level.

My entire life, all I wanted was for those I love to understand where I was coming from and my thought process. Including my own family. I never tried to make excuses. I only wanted them to understand me.

Unfortunately, they were incapable of opening their own minds to welcome any other possibilities. They simply were not able to understand me.

I would have to “shut my mouth” in order to maintain any kind of peace and would feel like they didn’t care about me enough to listen to me speak and share my own views.

You can only take so much. You know what your limit is. I never wanted to give up. I wanted to be a good friend.

Letting go was and is hard. Especially since all I wanted to do was love.

Luckily, those people grew separate and apart from me. I’ve let them go.

I realized how toxic they were, how much they affected my emotional and mental well-being.

I’ve learned to stand up for myself against toxic people because honestly and unfortunately, they are a part of life.

I have learned to be aware, present and mindful of those around me. I’ve learned to identify “energy vampires” who crave the drama and the attention. They will suck an empathetic person dry.

Let. Those. Suckers. GO!

We must not allow their toxic personalities to infect us into becoming like them. What matters is how we react, how we handle the situation and how we handle ourselves. Learn to meditate, let all of the negative energy flow through you and make its exit, leaving room for positive energy and growth.

If you don’t know anything about meditation, there are apps and many articles online how to do it. Or shoot me an email!


When they go low, we must go high. They can be blinded by my shine. They may want to turn off my light…

But my sun will always shine. 

I do not have to become like them in order to protect myself. Once you realize this and you have your own self security and self confidence, you can conquer all of the energy vampires in the world!

 

Keep going, keep growing and keep loving. Be present.

Grow and love with me?

xoxo,
Stila

 

Loss. 😢

Loss. 😢

How can I even put into words the hollowness inside of me after the news of my first love passing away? (From when I was a teenager). It’s only been a week.

I had just spoken to him it felt like. Now he was just… gone. Seeing his name in my cell phone as an awful reminder that I could never call him and hear his voice or laugh again.

I should have spent this last week allowing myself to process these feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, anger. Instead I went out, drank every night, skipped the gym, fell back into a certain kind of darkness that is especially difficult to get out of.. but this time, deeper.

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I felt like an empty shell of myself, walking around, speaking, smiling… but I was not really there. Like I’m just watching things from a distance.

I made a huge mistake. Doing things I don’t even want to do hoping it will provide a little bit of comfort. Hoping it will dull the pain just for a moment. I didn’t even want it. There was nothing left in that empty vessel of a human either.

I wasn’t the only one who was empty.

If you think of your body as a vessel. Your heart has a special chamber specifically for feelings and emotions. They come, they go. You feel them, analyze them, learn from them, learn to love, forgive, be happy, appreciate sadness, see when anger is trying to help you, but do not let them take over completely.  

When you do not process them correctly, they stay, they fester, change, become toxic. Especially if you ignore them. Run from them. Be a coward because you cannot directly face things that have happened or the people they have happened with. Instead, fill that chamber with drugs, liquor, sex, fake versions of what you really want. This is what destroys you.

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Feelings and emotions are here to help us process the world around us, have relationships with others, family and friends, experience happiness, know when someone has wronged us and how to forgive and move on with those people.

You don’t just give up and run away from someone who has wronged you if you really love them and want them. You must love and enjoy life how you want, with who you want. And if you don’t want someone, have the balls to tell them.

The few people who care abundantly and feel everything in their hearts… they somehow trick themselves into thinking the others care as much as they do. It’s only when they’re slapped in the face by reality, in this case, my friend passing away, that they realize that the person they thought would care, simply doesn’t.

And at this point, with all of the emptiness, pain, anger, sadness, mixed with probably too much wine and lack of sleep, I have to get my shit together, re-read my first few blog posts, write a bunch of new ones that I’ll never post and pick myself up.

The difference between my emptiness and theirs is mine is temporary.

I care about those around me, I want to live a life of happiness and have meaningful relationships with family, and a future spouse, and friends. I want to acknowledge my feelings, learn from them, grow, and move forward. They don’t.

Just because someone else is a coward and is giving up, it doesn’t mean you have to. You just have to refocus your energy into another direction instead of one that keeps bouncing back because it will not be accepted from them.

Being happy is not easy. Being positive is not easy. Being healthy is not easy. Being good to yourself is not easy.

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There is so much negative energy in this world. When someone you want to spread your positive energy around with rejects you, it is so difficult to keep on keeping on. It is difficult to not be consumed by the sadness, anger, loneliness and darkness. When someone you care about dies, it is easy to just spiral down and stay down.

You must get rid of all of the negative energy. Throw away those things you’ve been holding onto because of “what-ifs”. Light it all on fire. (Permitting it is legal!). Change your phone number. Block the negativity on social media. Make positive plans to hang with positive people who actually care about and want you around and in their lives.

Don’t care if they hate your writing and say you’re only doing it to make people feel sorry for you. They’re jealous of you success and your ability to handle emotions, process feelings and understand them. They have become toxic with their stagnant emotions.

All you can do is move forward. Say your goodbyes to those that have died and also those who do not care enough to be in your life anymore, have a good and ugly cry, have a glass of wine and fake it until you make it.

If they cared, they’d be there.

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Never let them keep you down for long. Never. Allow. Your. Heart. To. Harden.

Allow yourself to feel and appreciate the emotions but then get the fuck up and keep on being a rock star. Go after what you want.

Use that energy. Focus on what you want. Make it happen.

Kind of like when you high five someone, if you stare at their elbow, you’ll NEVER miss their hand. For real.

Stare at the elbow of the life you want, and swing at it. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on your goals, don’t give up on love.

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High-five.

I’ll miss you and love you always.

I’m giving back your heart on my shoulder. I don’t want it anymore.

xoxo,
Stila

LISTEN: This song is by Train. I am seeing this in concert this week. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen them but I’ll never get tired of it.

“Am I Reaching You Now” – Train

“Would you believe me
If I said my head is spinning without you
Would you believe me
If I just want to let you know how I feel about you
Now I want to know what I can do to make you stay with me tonight
‘Cause I do
Would you believe me if I leave you, cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Would you believe me
If I held on too tight to make it without you
Would you believe me
If I just gotta let you know I cant live without you
Would you believe me if I leave you cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started it, I’m going to finish it
Now I don’t mean to test your faith
Or make you think that I wont wait for you
‘Cause I will
But baby this is all I got
So I’m gonna give it one last shot
I would give you more than enough
But baby I got to let go
Let you go
Would you believe me
Am I reaching you now
I was trying to tell you I was letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Gotta finish it
Gotta finish it
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m gonna finish it”