Spilled Wine. 🍷

Spilled Wine. 🍷

The seemingly easiest thing to do was just to keep it straight and together.

The stem of the wine glass fit perfectly between my thighs as I lounged on the couch.

Let’s be honest: I have thick legs. Nature’s wine glass holder, amirite?!

A balancing act fit for a queen that has deemed her couch her throne this Thursday evening. 👑👑👑

Let’s be honest again, I’m not only talking about my glass of wine.

I’m also talking about LIFE.

The liquid of the gods (ahem, “wine”) resided in the wine glass between my thighs. This wine glass says “Hello Sunshine” on it.

I smile every time I look at it. 

I raised my glass to my lips, took a sip and placed it gracefully back into nature’s wine glass holder.

Just kidding.

The glass immediately fell forward and spilled on my couch.

For a fraction of a second, I contemplated if I should get a towel or just let it soak into the couch. 🤷‍♀️

Let the wine become one with the couch. Let the wine become one with me.

kermit

My mom would kill me if she knew I even thought about this! The spilled wine started to form into the shape of her face. Like how some people see Yoda on toast.

I jumped up, got a towel and praised to the universe that I was drinking white wine and not red wine.

I guess I need a refill now. Thank goodness this box of wine was on sale at the grocery store.

My wine stain mom was all soaked up now. No trace of it except maybe a faint aroma of the wine.

Maybe that was just the newly poured glass I had in my hand. #winning

wine1.gif

Forget nature’s wine glass holder for now; I’ll just pull the coffee table closer to the couch.

Genius.

Not much I could have done to prevent my wine glass from tipping over. 🤷‍♀️

I put my trust into nature’s wine glass holder and it doesn’t work all the time, causing a spill.

A stain on my throne and on me.

I mean, a temporary stain on my throne and on me.

There was a way to clean it up and a way to refill my glass of wine and I found another option to store my wine glass while I lounged on my throne.

Think of life as that glass of wine and that throne.

lifeee

It’s wine, Pete… It’s wine. (That is the bassist and front man for Fall Out Boy, if you live under a rock and didn’t know).

Sure, nature’s wine glass holder was not 100% effective. . .

That does not mean I gave up, let the stain soak in and never drank wine again.

Life is not easy. Keeping my wine glass straight was not easy. Disaster is bound to strike.

Balancing relationships, friendships, family, finances, a career or job, physical and mental health… and everything in between… Life is simply NOT easy.

I cleaned it up. I poured another glass. I found another way.

Just because one thing does not work out, does not mean you need to give up completely.

Don’t let an accident forever destroy your throne or take away your glass of wine.

Wine3

Trust the process. Trust yourself.

You are in control. So, take control.

What if I was out of wine?

Hello, there is a gas station across the street. #FiveDollarWine #EmergencyWine

What if I did not have a towel? 

I have a dirty clothes laundry basket full of t-shirts waiting to be made more dirty.

Live your life so that you enjoy it. Be lenient on yourself when you make mistakes, learn and grow.

Listen to me: be kind to yourself, as you should be kind to others.

loveyourself.gif

Just like my towel soaked up the spilled wine from my throne, you must soak up life lessons. Experiences. Wisdom. Love.

If I gave up after every heartache or every time I made a mistake and fucked up or every time my father let me down or every time I stressed over money or relationships, then I would not be as strong as I currently am.

If I allowed every terrible thing that has happened to me to harden my heart, I would be so unhappy…

This life and this world offers so much. Go find it. Do not be distracted by a spilled glass of wine when there are countless vineyards ready to yield more wine than you can even imagine drinking.

doit

Emotions are scary if you do not recognize why we have them. Over a spilled glass of wine… Your emotions will be different from others in the same situation.

This is because we are all from different backgrounds, cultures, families, friends, beliefs. We have all learn differently.

We have emotions as indicators to help us know what is going on around us and what is happening to us and to others.

Recognizing, acknowledging and growing with these emotions is such a revolutionary act in this digital age. Realizing they are temporary…

Being aware, understanding and accepting of not only your own emotions but other’s emotions is the most positive thing that I have learned.

Learn. Grow. Keep going. We need you here. Don’t give up.

Do not allow your throne to remain stained.

Do not allow your wine glass to remain empty.

Be good to yourself.

xoxo,
Your favorite wine-o and lover of life,
Stila

P.S. I know the metaphor of a spilled wine glass vs life is simplistic. I lost my only uncle to suicide in 2007. I have lost friends to suicide. There are ways to overcome heartache, tragedy, pain. Please, take the time to learn and grow. You can and will be strong enough. Pay attention to you and your friends and loved ones. Listen for those who need help and help them. Help yourself. If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help. You are not alone. Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to be connected to a trained counselor at a suicide crisis center nearest you.

P.P.S. I actually have literally spilled my wine more times using nature’s wine glass holder method than I care to admit… LOL.

Disappear. 👻

Disappear. 👻

If you’re anything like me, you look at the date on the calendar and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

I mean, has it been six months since Tip died? 😭

Has it been 10 years since my Uncle Robert died? 😭😭

Am I really in my LATE TWENTIES?! 😭😭😭

time

Quite a few *good* things have happened since we’ve spoken last.

My new career has been coming along nicely. I have been consistent in the gym and dropped a few pounds. *Still not a morning person!!!*

I have a little way to go… But consistency is what I struggle with the most… So I’m counting it as a positive.

I. Spoke. To. My. Father.

gasp

Yeah, my biological father whose sperm entered my mother’s egg and created me. 

I’ve been on a few dates… Nothing good yet. I’ll keep you posted on those experiences.

I saw Mierda, hopefully, for the last time. “What?! WHY would you see him?!

gasp2

I can hear you now. Calm down! 🙅

I’m human and it was nostalgic. Sue me! But like I said, hopefully the last time!

I feel bad for the girl he’s seeing. She must not know how he talks about her… Or how he wanted me to stay the night and wouldn’t let me leave that night … hmm… How much he “does love me and want me“…

She’s just an emotional comfort” he said… “We aren’t serious. She doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t love her and I never will. She knows that.

But that’s none of my business…

tea.gif

He assured me they are not in a relationship so I was not a party in cheating…

We all know I learned my lesson from that in Cheater, Cheater… But Mierda is a fuckboy now… So who knows if what he says is true. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

One of my old half-priced friends has moved in with him and was in the next room. If only they knew!

My best wishes to them all. Cheers! 🥂🥂🥂

Honestly, the main reason I saw him was to test myself… To test how much I’ve grown and learned. While, yes, it did hurt me in some way… It fades everyday, more and more.

He fades.

So, it is true… things do get better.

I’ll let Wynona say it for me…

fuckyea.gif

Enough about Mierda…. Now about me. And my point today.

As you can see based on the dates of these entries, I’ve been absent. 

I have been experiencing so many good things, but I am not here to make excuses for myself.

I am here to tell you that it is okay to disappear every now and then, if it is healthy and beneficial to you.

Not like Will Byers disappearing in the woods AKA the upside down disappearing.. But like, you don’t obligate yourself to everyone else all the time disappearing. Ya feel me?

disappear.gif

Modern life is all about the hustle and bustle. Friends always keep tabs, family knows your every move, boyfriends/girlfriends track their significant others. Everything posted to social media, the internet, shared and copied and shared again.

I had a friend send me a screenshot of my snapchat location the other day because he was near me! It is terrifying yet incredible how technology connects all of us.

Continuous buzzing cell phones, dinging notifications from Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, SnapChat, Tinder, Bumble, Reddit, Tumblr….

You’re constantly connected to everyone else.

When was the last time you connected to yourself?

help

Take the time to experience yourself. Hang out with yourself. Explore your wants, desires, needs, goals, wishes, strengths, weaknesses. Write them down. Say them out loud.

The best thing about this is you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Your emotional well being, exploration and growth is your business and only the business of those whom you decide to share it with. *Unless it deals with negative, self-harm. The others who care hopefully will intervene.*

If someone does not respect that otherwise… They don’t really care about you, do they? Maybe they need to get to know themselves, too?! Sometimes they don’t know that they don’t care… They think they do!

I’m not saying to ghost all of your loved ones… I am just suggesting you show yourself the same love and attention that you share with others. You deserve yourself too!

And once you get closer to yourself, you don’t need all the half-priced friendships floating around, trying to hook onto you because they are not strong enough on their own.

You are not their prize. You are not their play toy. You are not expendable.

To quote Halsey roughly, they cannot butter you up and taste you when they get bored.

Speaking of Halsey, I saw her in concert recently. I was in tears. Her music, lyrics and story speaks to me and relates to me regarding my own experiences with abusive relationships. I have even used her music in a previous entry: Purple Isn’t For You.

You are important. You deserve to know and recognize your self worth.  This does not mean you are self-centered or only care about yourself… You realize your self worth and know what you will and will not tolerate.

Pay attention… This is important: what is okay to someone else does not mean that has to be okay with you.

You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve your own identity.

So, use that Lush bath bomb you’ve been wanting, dim the lights, fire up those candles, sip on some wine and take that bath you’ve been so badly craving. Put on a face mask too. Go all out. 

bathhh

DATE YOURSELF, GIRL.

Or guy…. Guys can like Lush bath bombs too!!!

Then, you will recognize other humans that are also on your level… and you can connect, have healthy, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships and friendships.

It kind of rocks. 

Be good to yourself. Good things are coming.

xoxo,
Stila

🎵🎵🎵
“Diamond Heart” — Lady GaGa

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?


I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?


When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.



So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.


I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤