New Relationship Status 👀

New Relationship Status 👀

I am now in a new relationship….

With MYSELF.

I’m sure you have some questions… Liiiike..

Weren’t you dating someone? 👀 What happened? 👀 Was he even real? 👀 

Well, lose the suspenseful glares; I feel your beady eyes darting at me.

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I was dating someone.

He was and is very sweet.

Sometimes you need that in your life.

Sure, I could have kept dating him just to have someone around… But I’m not that kind of woman. 💁‍♀️

(I mean, it was only like 2.5 months officially).

I spiraled into a depressive state after Tip passed away. Also struggling with the situation with my father. Still not being over my ex-boyfriend (it would help if he didn’t try to creep on me). 

If you couldn’t tell by my last few posts. I was kind of… a mess.

(Not my usual every-day-mess status, but like, super-extra-mess status). 😢😢😢

I cannot very well expect to focus on myself and my growth and health and goals while also providing relationship level support for someone else when I was not sure how ready I was for something serious.

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Now, I’m not saying he was holding me back… He didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.

He was supportive and kind and obviously don’t forget tall, handsome and sexy… 😍

Buuuut something was missing. ✋

Me.

I was missing.

So, I ended it. 🤷‍♀️

Now, I’m in a new relationship. With muhhhhself. 

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^Me talking to myself about tackling my goals and achieving greatness^

I cannot emphasize how important is to be aware of your own emotional well-being and how it affects yourself and those around you.

If you are not happy with where you are at, you have the power to do what you can to change it so that you have the ability to work towards a goal of happiness in your life.

Ask yourself: are you happy? What makes me happy? Start a list. Write it down.

RIGHT NOW. DO IT. Add to it. Read it daily.

I believe my man-friend was and is important to me. I went into it with no expectations, no intentions, no knowledge of what would come out of it. I felt okay… But was I happy?

Sometimes, things just don’t work out and that is okay.

Do not stay in a relationship just to stay in a relationship.

Do not neglect yourself to save someone else’s feelings.

Do not hold onto things that are not holding onto you.

Do not stay in a job if you are miserable and you have the ability to find another opportunity…

I have accepted a job with a great company, with which I start next week.

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This new opportunity will allow me more stability, experience, benefits, and growth… While giving me more time to focus on what I love most: myself. *flips hair*

Yes, I know I have been quiet…

But I have traveled, tried to ‘relationship’ if it were a verb,  job-hunted, focused on my next career move, thought about going back to school and now that I have a great opportunity secured…

I want to shift the gears of my life into another direction. 

When I traveled to Philadelphia last month, I did all the touristy things. Drank too many margs. Ate a Philly Cheesesteak. And before you ask, no, the actual bar from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is not actually in Philadelphia.

I do think Philly stole my heart.

We tried to catch the train to NYC and literally missed it by ONE MINUTE.

I swear it felt like one of those shitty movies.. But we made it on the next train.

We saw Kinky Boots on Broadway starring the one and only, incredibly and unbelievably talented Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco while in NYC.

*Or did Brendon steal my heart?*

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We rode bicycles through Central Park after drinking mimosas from my fave brunch spot in Manhattan.

Which I will tell you, this was NO easy feat.. (The bicycling, not the mimosas!)

It’s mimOOOsa, not mimosAAA.

This coming weekend, I am traveling to Dallas, TX to visit my dearest friend.

When I arrive home, I will start my new career. New perspective. New schedule. New goals. New Kristan.

“Sorry, the old Kristan can’t come the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s DEAD.”
-T. Swifty

Unrelated side note, I feel like it is important to mention that I have already decorated my home for Halloween.

I am ready for what us in the south consider fall weather! 🍂🍂🍂🍂

Yes, I am aware that it is only September 6th. JUDGE ME.

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I better treat myself right in this relationship. 💍💍💍

Be good.

xoxo,
Stila

P.S. Here is a bonus GIF of Brendon Urie. You’re welcome.

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Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?


I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?


When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.



So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.


I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤

Loss. 😢

Loss. 😢

How can I even put into words the hollowness inside of me after the news of my first love passing away? (From when I was a teenager). It’s only been a week.

I had just spoken to him it felt like. Now he was just… gone. Seeing his name in my cell phone as an awful reminder that I could never call him and hear his voice or laugh again.

I should have spent this last week allowing myself to process these feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, anger. Instead I went out, drank every night, skipped the gym, fell back into a certain kind of darkness that is especially difficult to get out of.. but this time, deeper.

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I felt like an empty shell of myself, walking around, speaking, smiling… but I was not really there. Like I’m just watching things from a distance.

I made a huge mistake. Doing things I don’t even want to do hoping it will provide a little bit of comfort. Hoping it will dull the pain just for a moment. I didn’t even want it. There was nothing left in that empty vessel of a human either.

I wasn’t the only one who was empty.

If you think of your body as a vessel. Your heart has a special chamber specifically for feelings and emotions. They come, they go. You feel them, analyze them, learn from them, learn to love, forgive, be happy, appreciate sadness, see when anger is trying to help you, but do not let them take over completely.  

When you do not process them correctly, they stay, they fester, change, become toxic. Especially if you ignore them. Run from them. Be a coward because you cannot directly face things that have happened or the people they have happened with. Instead, fill that chamber with drugs, liquor, sex, fake versions of what you really want. This is what destroys you.

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Feelings and emotions are here to help us process the world around us, have relationships with others, family and friends, experience happiness, know when someone has wronged us and how to forgive and move on with those people.

You don’t just give up and run away from someone who has wronged you if you really love them and want them. You must love and enjoy life how you want, with who you want. And if you don’t want someone, have the balls to tell them.

The few people who care abundantly and feel everything in their hearts… they somehow trick themselves into thinking the others care as much as they do. It’s only when they’re slapped in the face by reality, in this case, my friend passing away, that they realize that the person they thought would care, simply doesn’t.

And at this point, with all of the emptiness, pain, anger, sadness, mixed with probably too much wine and lack of sleep, I have to get my shit together, re-read my first few blog posts, write a bunch of new ones that I’ll never post and pick myself up.

The difference between my emptiness and theirs is mine is temporary.

I care about those around me, I want to live a life of happiness and have meaningful relationships with family, and a future spouse, and friends. I want to acknowledge my feelings, learn from them, grow, and move forward. They don’t.

Just because someone else is a coward and is giving up, it doesn’t mean you have to. You just have to refocus your energy into another direction instead of one that keeps bouncing back because it will not be accepted from them.

Being happy is not easy. Being positive is not easy. Being healthy is not easy. Being good to yourself is not easy.

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There is so much negative energy in this world. When someone you want to spread your positive energy around with rejects you, it is so difficult to keep on keeping on. It is difficult to not be consumed by the sadness, anger, loneliness and darkness. When someone you care about dies, it is easy to just spiral down and stay down.

You must get rid of all of the negative energy. Throw away those things you’ve been holding onto because of “what-ifs”. Light it all on fire. (Permitting it is legal!). Change your phone number. Block the negativity on social media. Make positive plans to hang with positive people who actually care about and want you around and in their lives.

Don’t care if they hate your writing and say you’re only doing it to make people feel sorry for you. They’re jealous of you success and your ability to handle emotions, process feelings and understand them. They have become toxic with their stagnant emotions.

All you can do is move forward. Say your goodbyes to those that have died and also those who do not care enough to be in your life anymore, have a good and ugly cry, have a glass of wine and fake it until you make it.

If they cared, they’d be there.

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Never let them keep you down for long. Never. Allow. Your. Heart. To. Harden.

Allow yourself to feel and appreciate the emotions but then get the fuck up and keep on being a rock star. Go after what you want.

Use that energy. Focus on what you want. Make it happen.

Kind of like when you high five someone, if you stare at their elbow, you’ll NEVER miss their hand. For real.

Stare at the elbow of the life you want, and swing at it. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on your goals, don’t give up on love.

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High-five.

I’ll miss you and love you always.

I’m giving back your heart on my shoulder. I don’t want it anymore.

xoxo,
Stila

LISTEN: This song is by Train. I am seeing this in concert this week. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen them but I’ll never get tired of it.

“Am I Reaching You Now” – Train

“Would you believe me
If I said my head is spinning without you
Would you believe me
If I just want to let you know how I feel about you
Now I want to know what I can do to make you stay with me tonight
‘Cause I do
Would you believe me if I leave you, cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Would you believe me
If I held on too tight to make it without you
Would you believe me
If I just gotta let you know I cant live without you
Would you believe me if I leave you cause here I go
Am I reaching you now
I’m just trying to tell you that I’m letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started it, I’m going to finish it
Now I don’t mean to test your faith
Or make you think that I wont wait for you
‘Cause I will
But baby this is all I got
So I’m gonna give it one last shot
I would give you more than enough
But baby I got to let go
Let you go
Would you believe me
Am I reaching you now
I was trying to tell you I was letting you go
Am I reaching you now
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m going to finish it
Gotta finish it
Gotta finish it
Dearly departed, now that you’ve started, I’m gonna finish it”