Spilled Wine. 🍷

Spilled Wine. 🍷

The seemingly easiest thing to do was just to keep it straight and together.

The stem of the wine glass fit perfectly between my thighs as I lounged on the couch.

Let’s be honest: I have thick legs. Nature’s wine glass holder, amirite?!

A balancing act fit for a queen that has deemed her couch her throne this Thursday evening. 👑👑👑

Let’s be honest again, I’m not only talking about my glass of wine.

I’m also talking about LIFE.

The liquid of the gods (ahem, “wine”) resided in the wine glass between my thighs. This wine glass says “Hello Sunshine” on it.

I smile every time I look at it. 

I raised my glass to my lips, took a sip and placed it gracefully back into nature’s wine glass holder.

Just kidding.

The glass immediately fell forward and spilled on my couch.

For a fraction of a second, I contemplated if I should get a towel or just let it soak into the couch. 🤷‍♀️

Let the wine become one with the couch. Let the wine become one with me.

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My mom would kill me if she knew I even thought about this! The spilled wine started to form into the shape of her face. Like how some people see Yoda on toast.

I jumped up, got a towel and praised to the universe that I was drinking white wine and not red wine.

I guess I need a refill now. Thank goodness this box of wine was on sale at the grocery store.

My wine stain mom was all soaked up now. No trace of it except maybe a faint aroma of the wine.

Maybe that was just the newly poured glass I had in my hand. #winning

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Forget nature’s wine glass holder for now; I’ll just pull the coffee table closer to the couch.

Genius.

Not much I could have done to prevent my wine glass from tipping over. 🤷‍♀️

I put my trust into nature’s wine glass holder and it doesn’t work all the time, causing a spill.

A stain on my throne and on me.

I mean, a temporary stain on my throne and on me.

There was a way to clean it up and a way to refill my glass of wine and I found another option to store my wine glass while I lounged on my throne.

Think of life as that glass of wine and that throne.

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It’s wine, Pete… It’s wine. (That is the bassist and front man for Fall Out Boy, if you live under a rock and didn’t know).

Sure, nature’s wine glass holder was not 100% effective. . .

That does not mean I gave up, let the stain soak in and never drank wine again.

Life is not easy. Keeping my wine glass straight was not easy. Disaster is bound to strike.

Balancing relationships, friendships, family, finances, a career or job, physical and mental health… and everything in between… Life is simply NOT easy.

I cleaned it up. I poured another glass. I found another way.

Just because one thing does not work out, does not mean you need to give up completely.

Don’t let an accident forever destroy your throne or take away your glass of wine.

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Trust the process. Trust yourself.

You are in control. So, take control.

What if I was out of wine?

Hello, there is a gas station across the street. #FiveDollarWine #EmergencyWine

What if I did not have a towel? 

I have a dirty clothes laundry basket full of t-shirts waiting to be made more dirty.

Live your life so that you enjoy it. Be lenient on yourself when you make mistakes, learn and grow.

Listen to me: be kind to yourself, as you should be kind to others.

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Just like my towel soaked up the spilled wine from my throne, you must soak up life lessons. Experiences. Wisdom. Love.

If I gave up after every heartache or every time I made a mistake and fucked up or every time my father let me down or every time I stressed over money or relationships, then I would not be as strong as I currently am.

If I allowed every terrible thing that has happened to me to harden my heart, I would be so unhappy…

This life and this world offers so much. Go find it. Do not be distracted by a spilled glass of wine when there are countless vineyards ready to yield more wine than you can even imagine drinking.

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Emotions are scary if you do not recognize why we have them. Over a spilled glass of wine… Your emotions will be different from others in the same situation.

This is because we are all from different backgrounds, cultures, families, friends, beliefs. We have all learn differently.

We have emotions as indicators to help us know what is going on around us and what is happening to us and to others.

Recognizing, acknowledging and growing with these emotions is such a revolutionary act in this digital age. Realizing they are temporary…

Being aware, understanding and accepting of not only your own emotions but other’s emotions is the most positive thing that I have learned.

Learn. Grow. Keep going. We need you here. Don’t give up.

Do not allow your throne to remain stained.

Do not allow your wine glass to remain empty.

Be good to yourself.

xoxo,
Your favorite wine-o and lover of life,
Stila

P.S. I know the metaphor of a spilled wine glass vs life is simplistic. I lost my only uncle to suicide in 2007. I have lost friends to suicide. There are ways to overcome heartache, tragedy, pain. Please, take the time to learn and grow. You can and will be strong enough. Pay attention to you and your friends and loved ones. Listen for those who need help and help them. Help yourself. If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help. You are not alone. Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to be connected to a trained counselor at a suicide crisis center nearest you.

P.P.S. I actually have literally spilled my wine more times using nature’s wine glass holder method than I care to admit… LOL.

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?


I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?


When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.



So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.


I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

xoxo,
Stila 🖤

Recharge. 🔋

Recharge. 🔋

Hey, you, slow down. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Take the scenic route.

Think. Feel. Embrace.

Do you remember cameras that needed actual batteries? AA or AAA.

If they died, you were fucked.

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Then they made “rechargeable” AA and AAA batteries. You had a buy an adaptor that plugged into the wall and put the batteries in the adaptor to charge. Those didn’t last. Or did they? I have no idea.

Now cameras and phones have chargers you connect to them or the battery. We even have solar rechargeable cameras. Wireless charging. Portable chargers.

Cameras are important. Of course, I have one on me at all times on my cell phone as do most people in today’s society. (I’m an Android girl!)

We use them to capture the most valuable moments in our lives. Engraving them into our history and capturing as much as we can in our portable memory pockets.. So that we may relive them, not forget irreplaceable moments in our short time in existence.

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One of my favorite things to do is scroll back through my camera roll, Instagram or saved Snapchats.

Whether it be years ago, when I was my thinnest yet unhappiest in my relationship, or one year ago, when I was single and learning to find myself through therapy and self-love/self-growth.

I see pictures and videos saved from times that caused me to laugh until I cried, times that actually made me sad, ugly cry and ones from priceless gatherings with friends and family….

Like that night that my friend *jokingly* slapped my other friend in the face to “wake him up” so we could go out in the city (makes me laugh, to this day!); that day that we spent all day on the patio sipping mimosas without a care in the world; that time when my family and I all wore matching halloween t-shirts (it was adorable); when my friend spilled wine on my leg and he didn’t want to waste it, so he licked it up; when my co-worker and friend gave me dating advice … “Let him suffer!”; and one of my favorites… When my best friend and I raved about how thankful we are for WATERPROOF STILA<3

And… even pictures and videos with my ex. Yup. Mierda.

Let’s face it, over four years of being involved with someone, you accumulate a lot of photos! While I have not deleted all evidence yet, the feelings I get when I see those photos certainly remind me how far I have come, how much I have grown and even how I miss him. (Hey, it was FOUR YEARS!) I cannot replace that feeling… And I am not ashamed of it. It will always be a part of me, no matter what. Always.

I digress. (Sorry, not sorry).

Those moments I listed above, and countless more, are ones I do not want to forget. For the rest of my life, I will look back and see them and relive those funny, happy, or even sad memories. We do tend to forget the little happy moments of life, don’t we?

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We tend to remember only the bad or negative things. I find that sad. What if we changed the narrative and reinforced the good? Find that good. 

Cherish it always.

Now, imagine if your camera battery (or phone) had DIED. No charger. UGH!!! I can hear your frustration through the internet. Your modern day diary is unavailable and you can no longer record your memories. (or check Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Youtube, Instagram….etc)..

Okay, okay. Enough torture.

My point is, as important as it is in today’s society to keep our devices charged, so we don’t miss the opportunity to capture a moment, reply to a message, call a loved one, keep up with the latest news…

It is EQUALLY if not MORE IMPORTANT to keep yourself mentally charged.

As easy as it is to just phase through life like a zombie, taking care of mundane tasks, making cruise control choices, working, sleeping, eating, talking, scrolling on social media… Waking up months from now with no recollection of where you came from, how you got there, or what happened along the way..

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YOU MUST RECHARGE YOURSELF.

I had a conversation tonight about how in life, happiness does not just simply exist. Each individual (that is capable), is in charge of their happiness. It must be fought for.

Envision it. Say it. CREAT IT. Make it a reality. Do not cruise control through life.

If you do not take care of yourself, show yourself self-love, learn self-growth, positivity, FORGIVE those who have wronged you, let go of bad situations and toxic people and toxic environments, or take steps towards bettering yourself or your emotional/mental well being… then…

I’m afraid your battery WILL BE DEAD.

You will phase through life unaware, unattached, unhappy and unavailable. Yikes.

Take time for you. Spoil yourself. Embrace the moment. Feel the emotions. Cry. Feel and redirect the negativity that is latent in all of us as humans towards positivity and goodness.

Now, don’t ignore the negativity and bad feelings.. Instead of running from things, solve them and embrace them. Work for what you love and what you want. Be in sync with your emotions. FEEL THEM.

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It is worth, I promise.

Do not let fear, anger, sadness, or guilt halt your self-growth or make you think you do not deserve happiness and love.

Read up on self-love, self-help, self-growth.. Listen to audiobooks.. Watch youtube videos.. Just google it. You have resources!  Starting with me.

Call out that person that hurt you and forgive them, try something you didn’t think you’d be able to do, take that bubble bath, get to the gym or be active, take care of your body, create the best version of you, meditate, write a letter to someone (yes, snail mail!), call your friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, go for a walk outside, make amends to something that is troubling you, start that new hobby you’ve been wanting to try, binge watch that Netflix series, eat that ice cream, create real, honest and lasting relationships, and most importantly….

Allow yourself to LOVE and to be LOVED.

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Make time for yourself. You deserve it. Recharge. Be selfish. Find clarity.

I cannot say it ENOUGH!

RECHARGE.

Be good to yourself. I’m here.

xoxo,
Stila

Oh…

Here’s a GIF of this guy. I’m obsessed. #TheFlash

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And as for tunes…

Paramore – After Laughter (Basically the whole album). You’re welcome.

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