Disappear. 👻

Disappear. 👻

If you’re anything like me, you look at the date on the calendar and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

I mean, has it been six months since Tip died? 😭

Has it been 10 years since my Uncle Robert died? 😭😭

Am I really in my LATE TWENTIES?! 😭😭😭

time

Quite a few *good* things have happened since we’ve spoken last.

My new career has been coming along nicely. I have been consistent in the gym and dropped a few pounds. *Still not a morning person!!!*

I have a little way to go… But consistency is what I struggle with the most… So I’m counting it as a positive.

I. Spoke. To. My. Father.

gasp

Yeah, my biological father whose sperm entered my mother’s egg and created me. 

I’ve been on a few dates… Nothing good yet. I’ll keep you posted on those experiences.

I saw Mierda, hopefully, for the last time. “What?! WHY would you see him?!

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I can hear you now. Calm down! 🙅

I’m human and it was nostalgic. Sue me! But like I said, hopefully the last time!

I feel bad for the girl he’s seeing. She must not know how he talks about her… Or how he wanted me to stay the night and wouldn’t let me leave that night … hmm… How much he “does love me and want me“…

She’s just an emotional comfort” he said… “We aren’t serious. She doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t love her and I never will. She knows that.

But that’s none of my business…

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He assured me they are not in a relationship so I was not a party in cheating…

We all know I learned my lesson from that in Cheater, Cheater… But Mierda is a fuckboy now… So who knows if what he says is true. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

One of my old half-priced friends has moved in with him and was in the next room. If only they knew!

My best wishes to them all. Cheers! 🥂🥂🥂

Honestly, the main reason I saw him was to test myself… To test how much I’ve grown and learned. While, yes, it did hurt me in some way… It fades everyday, more and more.

He fades.

So, it is true… things do get better.

I’ll let Wynona say it for me…

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Enough about Mierda…. Now about me. And my point today.

As you can see based on the dates of these entries, I’ve been absent. 

I have been experiencing so many good things, but I am not here to make excuses for myself.

I am here to tell you that it is okay to disappear every now and then, if it is healthy and beneficial to you.

Not like Will Byers disappearing in the woods AKA the upside down disappearing.. But like, you don’t obligate yourself to everyone else all the time disappearing. Ya feel me?

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Modern life is all about the hustle and bustle. Friends always keep tabs, family knows your every move, boyfriends/girlfriends track their significant others. Everything posted to social media, the internet, shared and copied and shared again.

I had a friend send me a screenshot of my snapchat location the other day because he was near me! It is terrifying yet incredible how technology connects all of us.

Continuous buzzing cell phones, dinging notifications from Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, SnapChat, Tinder, Bumble, Reddit, Tumblr….

You’re constantly connected to everyone else.

When was the last time you connected to yourself?

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Take the time to experience yourself. Hang out with yourself. Explore your wants, desires, needs, goals, wishes, strengths, weaknesses. Write them down. Say them out loud.

The best thing about this is you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Your emotional well being, exploration and growth is your business and only the business of those whom you decide to share it with. *Unless it deals with negative, self-harm. The others who care hopefully will intervene.*

If someone does not respect that otherwise… They don’t really care about you, do they? Maybe they need to get to know themselves, too?! Sometimes they don’t know that they don’t care… They think they do!

I’m not saying to ghost all of your loved ones… I am just suggesting you show yourself the same love and attention that you share with others. You deserve yourself too!

And once you get closer to yourself, you don’t need all the half-priced friendships floating around, trying to hook onto you because they are not strong enough on their own.

You are not their prize. You are not their play toy. You are not expendable.

To quote Halsey roughly, they cannot butter you up and taste you when they get bored.

Speaking of Halsey, I saw her in concert recently. I was in tears. Her music, lyrics and story speaks to me and relates to me regarding my own experiences with abusive relationships. I have even used her music in a previous entry: Purple Isn’t For You.

You are important. You deserve to know and recognize your self worth.  This does not mean you are self-centered or only care about yourself… You realize your self worth and know what you will and will not tolerate.

Pay attention… This is important: what is okay to someone else does not mean that has to be okay with you.

You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve your own identity.

So, use that Lush bath bomb you’ve been wanting, dim the lights, fire up those candles, sip on some wine and take that bath you’ve been so badly craving. Put on a face mask too. Go all out. 

bathhh

DATE YOURSELF, GIRL.

Or guy…. Guys can like Lush bath bombs too!!!

Then, you will recognize other humans that are also on your level… and you can connect, have healthy, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships and friendships.

It kind of rocks. 

Be good to yourself. Good things are coming.

xoxo,
Stila

🎵🎵🎵
“Diamond Heart” — Lady GaGa

Worthy. 🙏

Worthy. 🙏

This weekend I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming.

We joked that all future Spider-Man movies will be named after cliche high school dances.

Spiderman: Sadie Hawkins.

Spider-Man: Spring Fling.

Spider-Man: Prom.

Fine I’ll stop now.

I’m still rooting for Tobey Maguire but he was sooooo 2002.

For some reason, I had a quick thought. I believe it was caused by the dreams I had been having…

I was raped in one. My teeth were falling out in the other.

Insecurity 101. 

“Am I ready for this relationship with him? Am I worthy of being treated so well? Am I good enough? Will I fuck this up?”

A wave of insecurity and negativity hit me in the face for absolutely no reason regarding my new man-friend.

He’s been nothing but wonderful to me! Why was I thinking this way?

Because I’m human. Because of what I have gone through in previous relationships.

As much insecurity as I’ve struggled with, it would be absurd to never feel it again.

Those things do stay with us. They do not simply disappear. It is NORMAL.

We have to acknowledge the insecurities. Talk about them. Receive the reassurance and love we are worthy of…

That’s right. I said we are WORTHY.

I am worthy to get a foot rub after a long day. (Which he loves to give foot rubs so I’m lucky on that end!)

I am worthy to have someone to just sit with me and talk about our days with no distractions including video games, reddit, facebook, instagram, etc.

I am worthy to have a man who really wants to be involved with my life and actually treat me right. AND he helps do the dishes!
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I AM WORTHY, BITCHES!


We will always experience self-doubt because it is human nature. We always think the good, the bad and the ugly. Focusing on the bad and the ugly because we do not realize we are worthy of the good.

It is easy to allow these overwhelming thoughts to take over but we must be strong. Train ourselves mentally to overcome these toxic thoughts.

My advice to you is to believe what you are worthy of and LET YOURSELF HAVE IT.

Do not allow yourself to be caught up in the negative “what-ifs” of self-doubt. Let them pass through then MOVE ON!

Take control of yourself, your thoughts and your actions. Be conscious. Be present. Be alive.

As Diana Prince stated in Wonder Woman… “It is not about deserve. It is about what we believe.”

No one necessarily deserves anything. Be yourself. Be happy and content being on your own and with who you are. Understand you cannot control other people and you must have your own strength.

If you do not establish your own true self-confidence, you will never relinquish your full power!

Establish independence and self-confidence. Then establish trust in others and confidence in others for no one can provide what you can provide yourself.

If what I have now with him doesn’t last, then at least I have finally experienced someone who is kind, gentle and caring towards me.

At least I am having this opportunity to experience what I am worthy of and I will never lower that standard again.

Which if you ask me, is a huge step forward for me to even allow myself this or allow someone to get close to me.

I like where life is taking me… How my heart and soul and mind are growing…

It is breathtakingly wonderful.


Now if I can get the rest of my life together…. 😂😂😂😂

Who am I kidding?  I’ll probably always be a mess!

One day at a time.

xoxo,
Stila