Spilled Wine. 🍷

Spilled Wine. 🍷

The seemingly easiest thing to do was just to keep it straight and together.

The stem of the wine glass fit perfectly between my thighs as I lounged on the couch.

Let’s be honest: I have thick legs. Nature’s wine glass holder, amirite?!

A balancing act fit for a queen that has deemed her couch her throne this Thursday evening. 👑👑👑

Let’s be honest again, I’m not only talking about my glass of wine.

I’m also talking about LIFE.

The liquid of the gods (ahem, “wine”) resided in the wine glass between my thighs. This wine glass says “Hello Sunshine” on it.

I smile every time I look at it. 

I raised my glass to my lips, took a sip and placed it gracefully back into nature’s wine glass holder.

Just kidding.

The glass immediately fell forward and spilled on my couch.

For a fraction of a second, I contemplated if I should get a towel or just let it soak into the couch. 🤷‍♀️

Let the wine become one with the couch. Let the wine become one with me.


My mom would kill me if she knew I even thought about this! The spilled wine started to form into the shape of her face. Like how some people see Yoda on toast.

I jumped up, got a towel and praised to the universe that I was drinking white wine and not red wine.

I guess I need a refill now. Thank goodness this box of wine was on sale at the grocery store.

My wine stain mom was all soaked up now. No trace of it except maybe a faint aroma of the wine.

Maybe that was just the newly poured glass I had in my hand. #winning


Forget nature’s wine glass holder for now; I’ll just pull the coffee table closer to the couch.


Not much I could have done to prevent my wine glass from tipping over. 🤷‍♀️

I put my trust into nature’s wine glass holder and it doesn’t work all the time, causing a spill.

A stain on my throne and on me.

I mean, a temporary stain on my throne and on me.

There was a way to clean it up and a way to refill my glass of wine and I found another option to store my wine glass while I lounged on my throne.

Think of life as that glass of wine and that throne.


It’s wine, Pete… It’s wine. (That is the bassist and front man for Fall Out Boy, if you live under a rock and didn’t know).

Sure, nature’s wine glass holder was not 100% effective. . .

That does not mean I gave up, let the stain soak in and never drank wine again.

Life is not easy. Keeping my wine glass straight was not easy. Disaster is bound to strike.

Balancing relationships, friendships, family, finances, a career or job, physical and mental health… and everything in between… Life is simply NOT easy.

I cleaned it up. I poured another glass. I found another way.

Just because one thing does not work out, does not mean you need to give up completely.

Don’t let an accident forever destroy your throne or take away your glass of wine.


Trust the process. Trust yourself.

You are in control. So, take control.

What if I was out of wine?

Hello, there is a gas station across the street. #FiveDollarWine #EmergencyWine

What if I did not have a towel? 

I have a dirty clothes laundry basket full of t-shirts waiting to be made more dirty.

Live your life so that you enjoy it. Be lenient on yourself when you make mistakes, learn and grow.

Listen to me: be kind to yourself, as you should be kind to others.


Just like my towel soaked up the spilled wine from my throne, you must soak up life lessons. Experiences. Wisdom. Love.

If I gave up after every heartache or every time I made a mistake and fucked up or every time my father let me down or every time I stressed over money or relationships, then I would not be as strong as I currently am.

If I allowed every terrible thing that has happened to me to harden my heart, I would be so unhappy…

This life and this world offers so much. Go find it. Do not be distracted by a spilled glass of wine when there are countless vineyards ready to yield more wine than you can even imagine drinking.


Emotions are scary if you do not recognize why we have them. Over a spilled glass of wine… Your emotions will be different from others in the same situation.

This is because we are all from different backgrounds, cultures, families, friends, beliefs. We have all learn differently.

We have emotions as indicators to help us know what is going on around us and what is happening to us and to others.

Recognizing, acknowledging and growing with these emotions is such a revolutionary act in this digital age. Realizing they are temporary…

Being aware, understanding and accepting of not only your own emotions but other’s emotions is the most positive thing that I have learned.

Learn. Grow. Keep going. We need you here. Don’t give up.

Do not allow your throne to remain stained.

Do not allow your wine glass to remain empty.

Be good to yourself.

Your favorite wine-o and lover of life,

P.S. I know the metaphor of a spilled wine glass vs life is simplistic. I lost my only uncle to suicide in 2007. I have lost friends to suicide. There are ways to overcome heartache, tragedy, pain. Please, take the time to learn and grow. You can and will be strong enough. Pay attention to you and your friends and loved ones. Listen for those who need help and help them. Help yourself. If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help. You are not alone. Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to be connected to a trained counselor at a suicide crisis center nearest you.

P.P.S. I actually have literally spilled my wine more times using nature’s wine glass holder method than I care to admit… LOL.

Disappear. 👻

Disappear. 👻

If you’re anything like me, you look at the date on the calendar and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

I mean, has it been six months since Tip died? 😭

Has it been 10 years since my Uncle Robert died? 😭😭

Am I really in my LATE TWENTIES?! 😭😭😭


Quite a few *good* things have happened since we’ve spoken last.

My new career has been coming along nicely. I have been consistent in the gym and dropped a few pounds. *Still not a morning person!!!*

I have a little way to go… But consistency is what I struggle with the most… So I’m counting it as a positive.

I. Spoke. To. My. Father.


Yeah, my biological father whose sperm entered my mother’s egg and created me. 

I’ve been on a few dates… Nothing good yet. I’ll keep you posted on those experiences.

I saw Mierda, hopefully, for the last time. “What?! WHY would you see him?!


I can hear you now. Calm down! 🙅

I’m human and it was nostalgic. Sue me! But like I said, hopefully the last time!

I feel bad for the girl he’s seeing. She must not know how he talks about her… Or how he wanted me to stay the night and wouldn’t let me leave that night … hmm… How much he “does love me and want me“…

She’s just an emotional comfort” he said… “We aren’t serious. She doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t love her and I never will. She knows that.

But that’s none of my business…


He assured me they are not in a relationship so I was not a party in cheating…

We all know I learned my lesson from that in Cheater, Cheater… But Mierda is a fuckboy now… So who knows if what he says is true. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

One of my old half-priced friends has moved in with him and was in the next room. If only they knew!

My best wishes to them all. Cheers! 🥂🥂🥂

Honestly, the main reason I saw him was to test myself… To test how much I’ve grown and learned. While, yes, it did hurt me in some way… It fades everyday, more and more.

He fades.

So, it is true… things do get better.

I’ll let Wynona say it for me…


Enough about Mierda…. Now about me. And my point today.

As you can see based on the dates of these entries, I’ve been absent. 

I have been experiencing so many good things, but I am not here to make excuses for myself.

I am here to tell you that it is okay to disappear every now and then, if it is healthy and beneficial to you.

Not like Will Byers disappearing in the woods AKA the upside down disappearing.. But like, you don’t obligate yourself to everyone else all the time disappearing. Ya feel me?


Modern life is all about the hustle and bustle. Friends always keep tabs, family knows your every move, boyfriends/girlfriends track their significant others. Everything posted to social media, the internet, shared and copied and shared again.

I had a friend send me a screenshot of my snapchat location the other day because he was near me! It is terrifying yet incredible how technology connects all of us.

Continuous buzzing cell phones, dinging notifications from Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, SnapChat, Tinder, Bumble, Reddit, Tumblr….

You’re constantly connected to everyone else.

When was the last time you connected to yourself?


Take the time to experience yourself. Hang out with yourself. Explore your wants, desires, needs, goals, wishes, strengths, weaknesses. Write them down. Say them out loud.

The best thing about this is you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Your emotional well being, exploration and growth is your business and only the business of those whom you decide to share it with. *Unless it deals with negative, self-harm. The others who care hopefully will intervene.*

If someone does not respect that otherwise… They don’t really care about you, do they? Maybe they need to get to know themselves, too?! Sometimes they don’t know that they don’t care… They think they do!

I’m not saying to ghost all of your loved ones… I am just suggesting you show yourself the same love and attention that you share with others. You deserve yourself too!

And once you get closer to yourself, you don’t need all the half-priced friendships floating around, trying to hook onto you because they are not strong enough on their own.

You are not their prize. You are not their play toy. You are not expendable.

To quote Halsey roughly, they cannot butter you up and taste you when they get bored.

Speaking of Halsey, I saw her in concert recently. I was in tears. Her music, lyrics and story speaks to me and relates to me regarding my own experiences with abusive relationships. I have even used her music in a previous entry: Purple Isn’t For You.

You are important. You deserve to know and recognize your self worth.  This does not mean you are self-centered or only care about yourself… You realize your self worth and know what you will and will not tolerate.

Pay attention… This is important: what is okay to someone else does not mean that has to be okay with you.

You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve your own identity.

So, use that Lush bath bomb you’ve been wanting, dim the lights, fire up those candles, sip on some wine and take that bath you’ve been so badly craving. Put on a face mask too. Go all out. 



Or guy…. Guys can like Lush bath bombs too!!!

Then, you will recognize other humans that are also on your level… and you can connect, have healthy, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships and friendships.

It kind of rocks. 

Be good to yourself. Good things are coming.


“Diamond Heart” — Lady GaGa

New Relationship Status 👀

New Relationship Status 👀

I am now in a new relationship….


I’m sure you have some questions… Liiiike..

Weren’t you dating someone? 👀 What happened? 👀 Was he even real? 👀 

Well, lose the suspenseful glares; I feel your beady eyes darting at me.

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I was dating someone.

He was and is very sweet.

Sometimes you need that in your life.

Sure, I could have kept dating him just to have someone around… But I’m not that kind of woman. 💁‍♀️

(I mean, it was only like 2.5 months officially).

I spiraled into a depressive state after Tip passed away. Also struggling with the situation with my father. Still not being over my ex-boyfriend (it would help if he didn’t try to creep on me). 

If you couldn’t tell by my last few posts. I was kind of… a mess.

(Not my usual every-day-mess status, but like, super-extra-mess status). 😢😢😢

I cannot very well expect to focus on myself and my growth and health and goals while also providing relationship level support for someone else when I was not sure how ready I was for something serious.

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Now, I’m not saying he was holding me back… He didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.

He was supportive and kind and obviously don’t forget tall, handsome and sexy… 😍

Buuuut something was missing. ✋


I was missing.

So, I ended it. 🤷‍♀️

Now, I’m in a new relationship. With muhhhhself. 

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^Me talking to myself about tackling my goals and achieving greatness^

I cannot emphasize how important is to be aware of your own emotional well-being and how it affects yourself and those around you.

If you are not happy with where you are at, you have the power to do what you can to change it so that you have the ability to work towards a goal of happiness in your life.

Ask yourself: are you happy? What makes me happy? Start a list. Write it down.

RIGHT NOW. DO IT. Add to it. Read it daily.

I believe my man-friend was and is important to me. I went into it with no expectations, no intentions, no knowledge of what would come out of it. I felt okay… But was I happy?

Sometimes, things just don’t work out and that is okay.

Do not stay in a relationship just to stay in a relationship.

Do not neglect yourself to save someone else’s feelings.

Do not hold onto things that are not holding onto you.

Do not stay in a job if you are miserable and you have the ability to find another opportunity…

I have accepted a job with a great company, with which I start next week.

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This new opportunity will allow me more stability, experience, benefits, and growth… While giving me more time to focus on what I love most: myself. *flips hair*

Yes, I know I have been quiet…

But I have traveled, tried to ‘relationship’ if it were a verb,  job-hunted, focused on my next career move, thought about going back to school and now that I have a great opportunity secured…

I want to shift the gears of my life into another direction. 

When I traveled to Philadelphia last month, I did all the touristy things. Drank too many margs. Ate a Philly Cheesesteak. And before you ask, no, the actual bar from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is not actually in Philadelphia.

I do think Philly stole my heart.

We tried to catch the train to NYC and literally missed it by ONE MINUTE.

I swear it felt like one of those shitty movies.. But we made it on the next train.

We saw Kinky Boots on Broadway starring the one and only, incredibly and unbelievably talented Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco while in NYC.

*Or did Brendon steal my heart?*

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We rode bicycles through Central Park after drinking mimosas from my fave brunch spot in Manhattan.

Which I will tell you, this was NO easy feat.. (The bicycling, not the mimosas!)

It’s mimOOOsa, not mimosAAA.

This coming weekend, I am traveling to Dallas, TX to visit my dearest friend.

When I arrive home, I will start my new career. New perspective. New schedule. New goals. New Kristan.

“Sorry, the old Kristan can’t come the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s DEAD.”
-T. Swifty

Unrelated side note, I feel like it is important to mention that I have already decorated my home for Halloween.

I am ready for what us in the south consider fall weather! 🍂🍂🍂🍂

Yes, I am aware that it is only September 6th. JUDGE ME.

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I better treat myself right in this relationship. 💍💍💍

Be good.


P.S. Here is a bonus GIF of Brendon Urie. You’re welcome.

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Worthy. 🙏

Worthy. 🙏

This weekend I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming.

We joked that all future Spider-Man movies will be named after cliche high school dances.

Spiderman: Sadie Hawkins.

Spider-Man: Spring Fling.

Spider-Man: Prom.

Fine I’ll stop now.

I’m still rooting for Tobey Maguire but he was sooooo 2002.

For some reason, I had a quick thought. I believe it was caused by the dreams I had been having…

I was raped in one. My teeth were falling out in the other.

Insecurity 101. 

“Am I ready for this relationship with him? Am I worthy of being treated so well? Am I good enough? Will I fuck this up?”

A wave of insecurity and negativity hit me in the face for absolutely no reason regarding my new man-friend.

He’s been nothing but wonderful to me! Why was I thinking this way?

Because I’m human. Because of what I have gone through in previous relationships.

As much insecurity as I’ve struggled with, it would be absurd to never feel it again.

Those things do stay with us. They do not simply disappear. It is NORMAL.

We have to acknowledge the insecurities. Talk about them. Receive the reassurance and love we are worthy of…

That’s right. I said we are WORTHY.

I am worthy to get a foot rub after a long day. (Which he loves to give foot rubs so I’m lucky on that end!)

I am worthy to have someone to just sit with me and talk about our days with no distractions including video games, reddit, facebook, instagram, etc.

I am worthy to have a man who really wants to be involved with my life and actually treat me right. AND he helps do the dishes!

We will always experience self-doubt because it is human nature. We always think the good, the bad and the ugly. Focusing on the bad and the ugly because we do not realize we are worthy of the good.

It is easy to allow these overwhelming thoughts to take over but we must be strong. Train ourselves mentally to overcome these toxic thoughts.

My advice to you is to believe what you are worthy of and LET YOURSELF HAVE IT.

Do not allow yourself to be caught up in the negative “what-ifs” of self-doubt. Let them pass through then MOVE ON!

Take control of yourself, your thoughts and your actions. Be conscious. Be present. Be alive.

As Diana Prince stated in Wonder Woman… “It is not about deserve. It is about what we believe.”

No one necessarily deserves anything. Be yourself. Be happy and content being on your own and with who you are. Understand you cannot control other people and you must have your own strength.

If you do not establish your own true self-confidence, you will never relinquish your full power!

Establish independence and self-confidence. Then establish trust in others and confidence in others for no one can provide what you can provide yourself.

If what I have now with him doesn’t last, then at least I have finally experienced someone who is kind, gentle and caring towards me.

At least I am having this opportunity to experience what I am worthy of and I will never lower that standard again.

Which if you ask me, is a huge step forward for me to even allow myself this or allow someone to get close to me.

I like where life is taking me… How my heart and soul and mind are growing…

It is breathtakingly wonderful.

Now if I can get the rest of my life together…. 😂😂😂😂

Who am I kidding?  I’ll probably always be a mess!

One day at a time.


Cheater, Cheater. 😲

Cheater, Cheater. 😲

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a decision.

It may be taking a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, how we deal with abuse, even what to wear for the day or what to eat for lunch; we must be responsible for our actions and we must do what we can for ourselves.

It may be a completely conscious decision with all of the options weighed out. Pros, cons, how it will affect you and those around you.

It may be a subconscious decision you make to simply make it through the next 24 hours.

For my friend that over dosed, his decision was to resort back to his addiction. That was what he was living for at that time. That got him through. Unfortunately, it killed him.

If you’ve ever made a bad decision, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.

My decision was to have an affair. 

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all. TRUST ME.

During that time in my life, I was distanced from my family, I was dealing with an abusive relationship with the one person that was supposed to love me and protect me, and trying to keep up with college classes determined to graduate.

I was vulnerable, alone and scared. Basically, I was a fucked up mess.

I remember the exact day it started…. When I received that friend request. That first message. Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend. Drinking cocktails talking about how Mierda and I got into a fight because he wanted to go play video games and I wanted to stay with friends at a graduation party.

I was again left upset and vulnerable. Once again not protected.

I guess he couldn’t protect me from himself.

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I remember how that day would not only change my life but change how I lived my life and how it helped me survive such a dark time period and alter my relationships with those around me.

How long do you let someone treat you like an insignificant human being? 

How many excuses do you make until you break yourself?

I broke myself. He broke me.

Why didn’t I leave? Good question.

Well, back then, he was my future. He was my only option. He was my escape.

I told myself … “It’s only the stress from Georgia Tech. Once he graduates, he will be good to me. We will live happily ever after! He doesn’t mean to treat me like that. He really does love me!” 

That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I was an idiot.

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Especially since he was the one I needed to escape from. 

Some of my friends knew about this ordeal. Even my stepsister. Not once did anyone tell me to leave.

Weekly margarita and Mexican food best friend dates were led by conversation of my affair and encouragement to continue it.

When I moved to Atlanta, it was like I was playing “house” with Mierda. Like you see those Stepford wives where the husband treats the wife like shit but she smiles and still does her duties.

The affair continued on and off. Mostly off, now that I think about it.

I was living two separate lives. There were two different versions of me.

Both trying to survive.

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With encouragement from even my stepsister and her help covering things up, I survived and used the affair and a way to make it though the next day.

Every time Mierda would scream in my face, I would cry and I would get positive attention elsewhere. Which was more often than not.

I am not proud of what I did and I don’t think it was the right thing to do. I am not encouraging anyone else to do what I did.

I wish I had the tools then to stand up for myself. I wish I had been strong enough then to put myself first instead of relying on the idea that Mierda would ever change and actually love me and treat me right.

Unfortunately, I did not.  😭

No matter how “perfect” I could have been, it was never enough for Mierda to really love me and treat me right.

I look back now and think where would I be if Mierda hadn’t found out about my affair?

Would we be engaged? Married? Kids? Yuck!

I am so glad he found out.

I am thankful now that my stepsister betrayed me, causing me to lose half of my “family” and “friends”.

Just think, for years I put up with his abuse with hardly anyone knowing. Imagine if I had to be married and have kids with him?! No, thank you.

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In retrospect, I was saved from a lifetime of misery.

If I didn’t have that affair, I’m not sure I’d be here. I’m not sure I would have been able to deal with how Mierda treated me.

Mierda finding out about my affair was messy. He dragged me figuratively through the mud with everyone, only to admit his own infidelity in the end.

As fucked up as it was, it has caused so many doors to open in my life and in my growth on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

Therapy has helped me navigate all of this and realize how lucky I am to be free of that mental cage and how to be strong and confident.

I was told no one would put up with me. I was told I was crazy. I was told no one would love me like he does. I didn’t think anyone would really want me after how shitty he made feel after my affair.

I was scared because he made me feel like I could never have anyone else.

Well, guess what? I have someone now.

And this someone knows about what I did. Even the dirtiest details.

Although it was unorthodox, it is literally how I survived.

I am not ashamed of it. I was fucked up. I was broken. I made my decisions.

And you know what else? It doesn’t matter now.

I will never, ever again make the decision to cheat.

I will never, ever allow someone to treat me how I let Mierda treat me all those years.

That girl is gone. She does not define who I am now. She never will.

Anyone who gets in the way of my happiness is in for a rude awakening.

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Make peace with your past decisions so you can move on to bigger and better and more positive events.

Surround yourself with people who ACTUALLY deserve your love and trust and friendship.

Do good. Be good. Take care of yourself and those you care about.

Do NOT let them treat you badly. No matter what they tell you, you do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

You have a right to protect yourself, stand up for yourself and be happy.

No one is perfect… But who really wants to be anyway?! 😜😜😜

With love,
Stila  ❤️


“They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange
But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything
And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage
But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything” ❤️

Sunshine Girl. ☀️

Sunshine Girl. ☀️

My whole life I’ve been nicknamed “Sunshine”.

My family, friends, strangers. They felt my instant positive vibes from my smile and emit almost like a pheromone from my skin.

I’ve always been capable of handling other people, even difficult ones, and always have been a person people come to for help and can count on. I feel their feelings. I cry their tears. I listen to their stories. I offer a positive insight.

Being an empath, I am able to imagine almost every situation from someone else’s point of view. Why they act how they act, why the make the decisions they make, why they say the things they say.

That person who cut you off in traffic and gave you the middle finger, maybe they are rushing to the emergency room where their loved one was just admitted. The couple arguing loudly in the store, maybe they just had a miscarriage. The employee who was rude while you were shopping, maybe their mother just died but they have to work to pay for the funeral.

You. Never. Know.

I always try to find reasons why others aren’t as pleasant as we’d like, I always smile and try to be nice to everyone. I try to do everything I can to help others.

I’ve been praised for how I am. I’ve been put down for how I am.

“You’re too nice…” “You care too much about strangers…” “Those things don’t matter…”

I’ve never allowed negative feedback to sway me or change my mindset.

One thing I had to learn the hard way is people simply will not care about you back.

They will not care about others the way you care.

They will not care about you how you care about them.

I’ve had to learn how to recognize people who want to focus on negativity, who lack empathy and who want to put me down instead of lift me up.

These people are toxic.

I used to make excuses and try to ignore the simple things. Like the road rage, the simple neglect for other people’s emotions or feelings, constant degrading comments about others.

Bumping into someone accidentally and the response being “Watch the fuck out, idiot!” or passive aggressively handling things instead of honestly saying how you feel and trying to fix it and keep going.

One time, I was riding passenger in a car and the driver was speeding. Someone was walking across the road and  I said “Watch out for the human!” and they, I’m NOT kidding, SPED UP faster and the person had to run across the rest of the way.

How hateful is that?

How can someone go through life constantly having negative, hateful thoughts about everyone around them? All they see is darkness. All I see is sunshine.

We are all human. Raised with different values from different cultures but we all bleed red.

Some people have conversations only focused around other people. Not about things, ideas, or things of substance. Simply focusing on people and how they are fuck ups or how they are stupid.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Let’s all listen to Eleanor. I think she knows what she was talking about!

They insult you on a personal level. Don’t take any responsibility. They gaslight you and try to make you feel like you’re the wrong one. They reverse the situation onto you. They pick you apart and compare you to their “superior” way of doing things.

I have my own thoughts sometimes. I’m not perfect. I make quick judgements just as everyone else does.

My point is, I don’t let it over take my mind. I don’t let it take over my conversations and my relationships. I try to not make personal insults when I’m upset. I understand emotions are temporary and life is better when focusing on and emphasizing positive emotions.

I try to respect others. I try to leave room for openness, understanding and kindness in my relationships. I don’t hold grudges. I try to listen and not be petty.

The biggest issue I’ve had to deal with in being empathetic is understanding that other people simply DO NOT CARE.

I would try to always explain my side of things and hope they would see things from my point of view as I would try to see things from their point of view.

Instead, I would be shot down. Told I was selfish. Told I didn’t understand. They never let me understand. They never told me how they felt; they simply insulted me on a personal level.

My entire life, all I wanted was for those I love to understand where I was coming from and my thought process. Including my own family. I never tried to make excuses. I only wanted them to understand me.

Unfortunately, they were incapable of opening their own minds to welcome any other possibilities. They simply were not able to understand me.

I would have to “shut my mouth” in order to maintain any kind of peace and would feel like they didn’t care about me enough to listen to me speak and share my own views.

You can only take so much. You know what your limit is. I never wanted to give up. I wanted to be a good friend.

Letting go was and is hard. Especially since all I wanted to do was love.

Luckily, those people grew separate and apart from me. I’ve let them go.

I realized how toxic they were, how much they affected my emotional and mental well-being.

I’ve learned to stand up for myself against toxic people because honestly and unfortunately, they are a part of life.

I have learned to be aware, present and mindful of those around me. I’ve learned to identify “energy vampires” who crave the drama and the attention. They will suck an empathetic person dry.

Let. Those. Suckers. GO!

We must not allow their toxic personalities to infect us into becoming like them. What matters is how we react, how we handle the situation and how we handle ourselves. Learn to meditate, let all of the negative energy flow through you and make its exit, leaving room for positive energy and growth.

If you don’t know anything about meditation, there are apps and many articles online how to do it. Or shoot me an email!

When they go low, we must go high. They can be blinded by my shine. They may want to turn off my light…

But my sun will always shine. 

I do not have to become like them in order to protect myself. Once you realize this and you have your own self security and self confidence, you can conquer all of the energy vampires in the world!


Keep going, keep growing and keep loving. Be present.

Grow and love with me?



Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Purple Isn’t For You. 💜

Digging deep down into the darkest holes of your heart is not an easy task.

I’m not sure how I feel about writing this out for you, but I’m doing it mostly for myself. So, if you don’t like hearing sad shit, then leave. I won’t be offended.

Here goes nothing. 

I spent most of the day listening to Halsey’s new album, hopeless fountain kingdom, on repeat. I’d like to talk about one song in specific. It is called “100 letters”. Here’s the song.

Here are the first few lines:

“How can Midas put his hands on me again?
He said “one day I’d realize why I don’t have any friends”
I find myself alone at night
Unless I’m havin’ sex
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect”

I remember things I used to be told. If only I would shut up. If only I would be respectful. If only I could be better, then I wouldn’t be alone. No one would love me as much as he did. It was always my fault things were so bad.

Wasn’t it?

I learned it wasn’t.

“But I don’t let him touch me anymore
I said “I’m not something to butter up
And taste when you get bored
‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors
To find some peace and quiet right behind a wooden door” “

Many nights in the same bed unable to sleep. Other rooms sometimes. On the couch. Replaying things over and over again. I had my versions of dirty bathroom floors… Trying to escape. Find some solace in any way possible.

What could I have said or done differently? Why did things get to angry and aggressive? What did I do wrong? Why did he hate me? How could someone be so hurtful especially someone that says they love you?

When the person you love doesn’t show you love… What do you do? They are supposed to give you the world but all they do is hold you down.. What do you do?

Well, you never know until you’re in that situation. We always say “If that happened to me, I would _________________”. 

Honestly, you cannot predict how you would react. Depending on what you’ve been through, how you were taught to handle things, your current situation, how safe you feel, there is no telling what you will actually do. 

I was emotionally beaten down into something so fucked up. I felt stuck. No one would understand. No one wanted me. I was a scared empty shell. 

Your brain when experiencing trauma is not your brain.

I always said “I will never allow a man to treat me badly. I will never allow a man to verbally or physically abuse me.”

Then I did. 😓

I always said “I will never cheat, no matter the situation!”

Then I did. 😓

I tricked myself into thinking if I just waited a little longer… He would love me enough to treat me right.

The person I thought would do me no wrong did me the most wrong. For years.

Those who knew didn’t tell me to leave. Those who heard him abuse me (as in the next room) didn’t stop it. Those who knew I was approached by someone else and that someone else was pursuing me… they didn’t tell me to stop. I dealt with it. I was actually ignorant enough that I didn’t know any better. I thought that was just it.

Talk about half price love on all ends.

At that point, I couldn’t even stand up for myself. No one stood up for me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what I was going through. I dissociated and separated my realities.

Then all of a sudden, it was all my fault. There he stood, one foot taller than me, angry, violent, short-fused, and admitted to doing his own cheating after chastising me for mine.

But I was the red-headed step-child. I was the outcast. I was the whore. I was wrong. No one asked my side. No one cared enough. Half price.

Over a year later, and several attempts to let him go, times I had convinced myself we could still magically be together because love had to be enough… And he didn’t want me anymore. I was willing to leave everything and travel across country for him. My dumb self still considers the “what ifs”. I can be stupid.

But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even like him.

So, here I am, and I listen to this song on repeat..

“And now I can’t stop thinking that I can’t stop thinking
That I almost gave you everything
And now the whole thing’s finished and I can’t stop wishing
That I never gave you anything”

My mind has since flashed to all the warning signs from the first times I saw his anger and violence. I shouldn’t have put up with it… But I did.

Through therapy, I learned it wasn’t my fault at all. I made bad decisions, yes, to inadvertently protect myself. I am in no way making excuses.

But who was he protecting? Certainly not me from himself. His issues were not my fault.

None of it! He was fucked up way before me. If anything, he shot himself in the foot by treating me like I would always be there. He took advantage of me.

The sun and the moon are beautiful in their own respect. The sun prefers the red skies and the moon, midnight blue. Together, they create beautiful, colorful horizons of purple.. But they are not meant to be. The colors of purple does not last when the red and blue collide. They each exist brilliantly in their own distances with their own faults but will never coexist forever together.

I have taken responsibility for what I’d done and made peace with it. I talk about it freely and I am not ashamed of my actions at all. I am not sure how else I would have been able to survive and now I know proper ways to handle anger and violence and I know how to properly communicate and handle those emotions.

I’ve had a long journey since trying to process the whole situation. I’ve gained weight, which as been the main downside. (Now I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, but at least my boobs are huge for now!😂) I’ve had to rewrite what I thought my future would be. I’ve lost half price friends and half price family which turned out to be a blessing.

I’ve grown an incredible amount emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You could say I’m proud. 

Even now experiencing a tiny glimpse of how someone really is supposed to respect me and care for me.. It has opened my eyes and when I relapse and when I miss him, I will remind myself of how he does not deserve me. I will listen to the song. He doesn’t want me anyway or take me seriously, which makes it easier (LOL at myself). Sometimes I am weak like I spoke about in “Loss“…

I admit it’s definitely a process I am working on.

A friend really let me have it after that week. She yelled at me and brought me to tears. Not because I felt guilty or bad for the decision I made but because she really cared about my well-being and knew he didn’t deserve me. Deep down I knew it too. She just dug it up out of my dark soul that I didn’t want to see and she threw it in my face.

Now, that is a full price friend. 🙌

Continuing onward surrounded by full price love and trying again to leave the half price bullshit behind me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this for my own growth.. and if I can help at least one person who is also suffering or can relate to me, then I am happy.

If anyone needs to talk, I’m here.

If you or anyone you know is in a sticky situation, please say something.

You may be that voice they need to hear. Do not let someone be abused. Do not let someone make decisions that endanger them. Don’t support them when they need full price love thrown at them.

Stand up for them when they cannot stand up for themselves and help teach them they are worthy. Abusive relationships and situations are difficult to get out of and let go of but not impossible. You are not alone.

Love for someone doesn’t go away but neither does love for yourself and the desire to never go through what they put you through or be who they turned you into again.

Don’t forget…

You are golden on your own.

Sorry, not sorry.

Stila 🖤