Unless you’ve been buried in a bunker for the past few years or living in the Fortress of Solitude, you more than likely know what a “fuckboy” is.
Urban Dictionary gives us many definitions of this term but one can only understand if they’ve suffered the effects of a fuckboy. (I’ll leave you free to search that yourself).
It is kind of like actually suffering through a tornado versus just watching one on the news.
You see, a fuckboy is unique to its chosen host. Like a virus. If he gets into your system… You’re basically screwed. Heart broken. Mascara wasted. Get to Ulta, ladies, and score you some waterproof mascara because you’re going to need it.
You basically have to just live out the course of the Fuckboy if he gains access.. No antibiotics can cure this disease.
*Disclaimer* Not all men are fuckboys. *End Disclaimer*
Stage One: Young Years (Birth to Puberty)
Baby is born male in a time period where technology will flourish, availability of women will be high, sexuality will be exploited and the struggle will be REAL.
His mommy and daddy tell him he is special and wonderful. He cannot fail at anything. He can have whatever he wants!
Stage Two: Middle Years (Puberty to 18ish)
Young male has blossomed and discovered his PENIS. Wow! *sarcasm*
One female looks at him and he is locked on her like a Navy submarine ready to pursue into enemy territory and lay down his attack. Whoops…. Then another female looks at him… Then he lays eyes on another female.. Which direction does he go? ALL OF THEM.
Mommy and daddy said he can have whatever he wants, remember?!
Stage Three: Full Fuckboy (18ish to Whenever he GROWS UP and BECOMES A REAL MAN)
At this point, whatever is said goes in one year, through his dick and out the other ear.
Full Grown Fuckboy will say whatever necessary to convince you to get into bed with him. He does not want any labels. He will tell you “you’re the only girl I’m talking to”. He has several social media accounts. Calls you “bae” and never your name. (Imagine if he accidentally called you Jane but your name is Jessica. Yikes.) They’ve evolved. No conscious. They are dangerous! Innocent ladies fall for this all the time.
Stage Four: Graduation
This last stage is left for Fuckboys who have “somewhat” become respectable men capable of an actually honest relationship. They have graduated from the Full Fuckboy stage! *yay* They either:
1) knocked a girl up and had to grow up quickly or
2) fell in love and became a man that she deserves or
3) he grew tired of his own bullshit or
4) he enters Eternal Loop of Fuckboy – Never to escape the grasps of Fuckboyism or
5) he died and no one will remember the dead as a Fuckboy — It just simply is not polite.
Dating in this modern day is worse than a Brazilian full body wax with a sunburn. Ghosting is prevalent. Dating online and apps *mainly* focuses on sex and being “casual”. Meeting men in person is difficult because most men are pussies and terrified to approach you. The ones who do approach you only want to take you home then call you an Uber after they get what they want. No thanks!
The grass is always greener on the other side for the Fuckboy.. and trust me, they have multiple lawns grass to play on. No one wants to actually get to know you, talk on the phone, or enter into anything serious. They want to play on your lawn but never water it or maintain it. They want those weird feeling fake always-green lawns used for sports fields.
My Advice: Build a fence around your lawn and keep an eye out for pesky, feral Fuckboys roaming around. If not, you might get rabies, or worse…. FEELINGS.This modern dating world is harmful to relationships, understanding, compassion, communication. Too much anxiety on who should text first or who should add who on social media. Too many expectations on the first date.
How do we lost romantics survive this?
Well. Stay behind your fence. Do not allow Fuckboys to enter. I know the attention is nice. I know he says all the right things… BUT SNAP OUT OF IT, SISTER.
He is a Full Fuckboy!
Get. It. Together.
If he’s not holding your doors open, being a gentleman, concerned with your emotions and well being, being honest about his intentions, and consistent in his actions, words, promises, showing effort and making plans etc… Then he is a Fuckboy.You also need to make your intentions clear, lady! Don’t be a fuckgirl! Ouch..
YES THOSE DO EXIST.
Other symptoms of a Fuckboy:
Asks for nudes, sends you dick pics without any notice, has every social media outlet installed but will not add you on them, phone always is going off but hides it, asks you to “Netflix and Chill”, no ambition or strive to be better, does not want labels and does not introduce you to his friends, never genuinely asks about your day, has a lot of drama with ex’s and women, never plans and initiates actual dates (like candlelit romantic shit dates), texts you at 2AM saying “sup”, etc.
Watch out for a Fuckboy disguised as a Graduated Fuckboy. These are an elevated species who have discovered women are smarter than a Full Fuckboy.. They try to feign the Graduated Fuckboy stage in order to deceive you. Beware!
Really. Be careful out there..
LOOK FOR: Consistency, effort, honesty, timeliness, ambition, healthy family and friendship relationships, empathy, he is a gentleman to even strangers, he is direct, has integrity, self-confident, and a positive attitude, self-sufficient in his bills and is stable, etc.
Graduate you a Fuckboy and hang him in your living room, above the fire place, like a trophy!
You are a bad-ass. You are wonderful.
You deserve to be treated right.